IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

In some countries an increasing number of children are overweigh as a result of eating too much fast food. It is necessary for governments to ban selling this kind of food in schools. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#countries #children #overweigh #food #governments #ban #schools
Nowadays,
due to
 bad eating habits, more and more children are fat than before. To solve
this
 problem, fast
food
 should be forbidden in the academy.
While
 I agree with the idea of banning
junk
food
 from canteens, I do believe that children need to limit their intake of
junk
food
 outside
school
 at the same time. On the one hand, enforcing some strict regulations on selling fast
food
 in
school
 could benefit teenagers. By limiting poor dishes, young people could be encouraged to eat more healthy
food
 and have a better shape.
For example
, I used to struggle with obesity in primary
school
, because of the habit of eating sandwiches.
However
, my
school
 forbade any type of fast
food
.
As a result
, I lost about 10 pounds.
Thus
, forbidding the expenditure on
junk
food
 could make youngers a good shape with better health.
On the other hand
, by not allowing
junk
food
 to be sold in
school
, students could tend to have more interest in eating fast
food
 outside.
As a result
, the regulation would even exacerbate the situation.
For example
, an investigation was taken place related to
this
 topic in which 100 kids were examined at a particular educational institution. By
this
 banishment, more students gained more weight because of eating fast
food
 outside.
Therefore
, forbidding the sale of
junk
food
 by government authorities is not an effective strategy. In conclusion, some people argue that imposing rules to ban selling fast
food
 in schools is crucial for youngsters to keep healthy,
whereas
this
 can't completely stop them from eating fast
food
 since they can eat outside.
Submitted by 2631272260 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to directly address the question asked in the prompt. Clarify your position (agree/disagree) more distinctly in both the introduction and conclusion for a clearer argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly and improve flow throughout your essay.
task achievement
Consider balancing the discussion by dedicating equal development to each side of the argument, ensuring that your personal stance is clear throughout the essay.
language accuracy
Check for and correct minor grammatical and spelling errors to enhance the clarity and professionalism of your writing.
task achievement
You provided specific examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay's structure is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
You successfully discussed both sides of the argument, demonstrating an ability to consider multiple perspectives.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: