IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

It is important for people to take risk , both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #risk #lives #risks
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It is an everlasting debate
that
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about
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 whether people should take risks in their careers and private lives. Though the accomplishment of dangerous works may make lives prosperous, too much of it could be detrimental. I believe that it is beneficial to try luck but the well judgement is required.
To begin
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 with, it is evident that without taking high risks, people are far away from promotions and most successful managers always grab the opportunities.
For example
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, research conducted by a group of scientists has shown that individuals who do perilous tasks are very successful in their professional lives.
Similarly
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 , the citizens who have gone through hazardous situations in their individual being ,
hence
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 come with amazing interpersonal and communication skills. To support
this
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 point, the result of a survey carried out in a Dhaka-based public university concluded that the pupils who helped their parents to do riskier family activities achieved good grades.
On the other hand
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, some physicians and psychiatrists gave the opinion that
,
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apply
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 those who take risks frequently and engage themselves in dangerous work often become prey to stress. The stress results in serious mental disorders in later life.
Likewise
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, the opportunities may not bring positive yields in every case. In 2022, a minimum of ten youths have committed suicide who invested money to get different products online cheaply, in Bangladesh. In conclusion, in
this
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 competitive world for having better positions both financially and personally, people must try the opportunities. At the same time, it is not wise to take exposure where the success rate is at a nadir.
Submitted by mostafiz.rahman.cse on

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Grammar
There are several grammatical errors and awkward wording throughout the essay. The writer should work on their English syntax and grammar to make their ideas more clearly understood.
Content
Please be consistent in your argument. The paragraph starting with 'On the other hand' looks a bit weak in comparison with other arguments. Enhance it with more solid examples.
Vocabulary
Consider revising some of your word choices to better convey your points. For example, 'the accomplishment of dangerous works may make lives prosperous' could be better stated as 'taking risks can lead to prosperity'.
Relevance
The essay would greatly benefit from more precise, relevant examples to support your arguments. Abstract examples make points seem less substantial.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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