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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below gives information about the preferred leisure activities of Australian children.

The graph below gives information about the preferred leisure activities of Australian children.
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The bar chart illustrates the percentage of
boys
Use synonyms
 and girls in
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 spare time by five types of activities in Australia.
Overall
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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most
of
Change preposition
apply
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children would rather
watching
Change the verb form
watch
be watching
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 TV or videos,
while
Linking Words
 the lowest number of them prefer
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
skateboarding.
It is clear that
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 just in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
art and craft
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
girls involve in leisure activities more than males
so that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
, approximately the number of females who
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 art and craft is double in comparison
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
boys
Use synonyms
. so that, the
boys
Use synonyms
 and girls are roughly 60% and 30%, respectively.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the amount of watching TV or videos is 100
equally
Change the word
equal
show examples
 for both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
gender.
According to
Linking Words
 these statistics,
although
Linking Words
 the most of
boys
Use synonyms
 would rather
to
Remove the marker
apply
show examples
do electric or computer games by above 80 per cent,
in addition
Linking Words
, the
boys
Use synonyms
 prefer to bike riding by almost 20% more than
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
. The amount of skateboarding does not exceed 40% for both genders.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words boys with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • leisure activities
  • favored
  • noteworthy trends
  • disparities
  • participating
  • popularity
  • demographics
  • speculating
  • surprising findings
  • technological advancements
  • societal changes
  • promotional efforts
  • educational planning
  • balanced lifestyle
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