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Band 6.5

Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships that people make? Has this been a positive or negative development?

6.5 / 9
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Introduction
Today, the improvements in different technologies have changed the way people communicate.
Firstly
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, we will see that these changes have made the interactions much more virtual and superficial.
Secondly
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, we will talk about the benefits and the drawbacks of those aspects.
Body paragraph 1
With the growth of social media, the synergy has been much more virtual. Those who go out less frequently and talk much more behind the screen.
As a result
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, physical interactions have
consequently
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 been reducedconsequently reduce.
For example
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, a teenager who just wants to talk to his friend during the weekend will not be forced to go out. He would communicate through Snapchat. Communication became more superficial because , without seeing the person, it is harder to express feelings and emotions.
Body paragraph 2
As physical intercommunication has been reduced, a lot of drawbacks and advantages follow
through
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
For instance
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, we may not know the person with whom we are talking , leading to dangerous situations because young children can talk to adults without knowing it.
On the other hand
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, it can allow them to meet others from other countries. It is sometimes the only way teenagers can make friends because they can feel anxious talking to people in real life.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, with the growth of technologies, communications have become much more superficial and less physical because those who talk through a screen and not in front of a person. It can lead to a critical situation where they can spread false information about their age. There are
also
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 benefits. People can reduce their social anxiety and can make new friends from different countries.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly. Say how technology changes relationships, then give one clear view: is it more good or more bad? Your essay gives both sides, but your final view is not strong enough.
task response
Explain your main ideas more fully. For example, show why online talk can make feelings harder to share, and why online friends may help people who feel worried when they meet others.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. The Snapchat example is useful, but add details about how it changes a friendship. For safety, explain what may happen when a child talks to an unknown adult online.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan. Paragraph 1 can explain online and less face-to-face relationships. Paragraph 2 can give the good and bad sides, then state which side is stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with one clear main idea. Some lines are hard to follow, such as “Those who go out less frequently and talk much more behind the screen.” Write a full sentence with a clear subject and verb.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Do not repeat “consequently,” and do not use “Firstly, we will see” or “Secondly, we will talk.” State your ideas directly instead.
coherence and cohesion
Make the end shorter and clearer. It should repeat your main answer, not add unclear new points. For example, say that technology helps people meet others but can make close relationships weaker and less safe.
task response
You talk about both the good and bad effects of technology, including new friends in other countries, less worry in social life, less face-to-face time, and online safety.
task response
Your example of a teen using Snapchat is linked to the main point and helps the reader understand your idea.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and an ending, so the reader can see the main shape of your answer.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful links, such as “For example,” “As a result,” and “On the other hand,” to show how your ideas are connected.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Interact
  • Social media platforms
  • Networking
  • Instant messaging
  • Face-to-face interaction
  • Misunderstandings
  • Emotional context
  • Superficial connections
  • Deceptive identities
  • Privacy concerns
  • Social skills
  • Video calls
  • Online presence
  • Digital communication
  • Cyber relationships
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