IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Task 2 Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
Many people believe that increasing taxation on junk food can help decrease health problems
due to
 the high rate of sugar contained in snacks produced by companies worldwide. I completely agree with
this
 because of the reluctance when
buying
Wrong verb form
buy
show examples
 sugary
products
 and the funds which can be used to raise awareness of citizens' health.
Firstly
, implying greater prices for sugary snacks will make shoppers unwilling to purchase them. To be more specific, since it is impossible for people to pay a fortune just for food, they are not only buying fast foods occasionally but
also
 avoiding them. What I mean by avoiding is that consumers will look for cheaper
products
 which are the healthy ones.
For instance
, the infamous fast food chain McDonald's is struggling in Vietnam
as a result
 of the tax policy enforced by governments in order to help citizens maintain green lifestyles.
Secondly
, funding from unhealthy
products
 is a considerable contributor in terms of raising citizen's awareness about their health. Obviously, junk foods create a huge amount of wages which authorities can invest in educating the community about the negative impact on their bodies caused by sugary snacks.
Additionally
, the country's leader can spend money on constructing brand-new gyms, offering residents opportunities to work out.
Therefore
, the funds will lead citizens to a healthy life. In conclusion, an increase in tax will form unwillingness among consumers
as well as
 produce a significant number of funds used in creating a healthier lifestyle.
Hence
,
this
 essay has given clear points to agree with the statement of discouraging the public from unhealthy
products
 by raising prices.
Submitted by be simple on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a smoother and more logical transition between ideas, which can further enhance the coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Continue to develop a range of sentence structures to add complexity and depth to your arguments.
task achievement
For a higher score, try to explore the implications or counterarguments of the proposed solution, adding depth and sophistication to your response.
task achievement
Maintain the strong structure of your essay by clearly delineating your introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
Your essay clearly presents a logical argument, effectively addressing the prompt.
task achievement
You've effectively used examples to support your points, making your argument more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The use of paragraphs to organize your ideas has contributed to a coherent and cohesive essay structure.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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