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Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on thier smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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In
this
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 era, teenagers prefer to use cell phones throughout the day. In the following paragraphs, I would like to shed light on the reasons for
this
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 change,
also
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 from my perspective it has more drawbacks than benefits. The first and foremost cause is that youngsters have become addicted to the utilisation of phones for various purposes.
Initially
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, the majority of the time, they like to study by watching or reading articles or videos on the internet since they find it a more convenient way to study.
Besides
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, they spend their whole day playing video games, and even if their parents restrict them, they would not follow their guidance.
Apart from
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this
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, it has a huge impact on their studies as well.
Furthermore
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, they keep on scrolling through various social sites or communicating with their companions as they
found
Wrong verb form
find
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 it far more interesting rather than studying.
For instance
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, parents and teachers frequently complain that innovations in technology have a considerable effect on the nature, studies and health of young ones. Undoubtedly, I feel it is a negative development as the use of any technical device more than required definitely affects users.
To begin
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 with, long screening hours result in weak eyesight, sometimes, leading to serious eye problems.
For example
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, these days, the majority of youngsters have to wear concave and convex lenses, despite the fact that they are too young for them.
Moreover
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, when kids keep playing video games or become couch potatoes
while
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 using social sites,
lastly
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, they
would
Verb problem
do
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 not have any time to perform physical activities.
Subsequently
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, they would become obese at an early age, in fact, they might have to suffer from diseases
due to
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 being overweight. In conclusion, these days,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
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 use cell phones as a mode of entertainment,
whereas
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such
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 addiction does not let them do other important activities.
Therefore
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, it has affected their physical, social and mental well-being.

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task response
Ensure that all main points and ideas are fully addressed. Expand on the supporting information and use relevant and specific examples to bolster your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are adequately present. Pay attention to the overall organization of ideas to enhance coherence and cohesion.
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