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Band 5.5

Shopping is becoming more and more popular as a leisure activity. However, some people feel that this has both positive and negative effects. Why is shopping so popular? What effects does its increase in popularity have on individuals and on society?

#leisure #activity #people #effects #popularity #individuals #society
In contemporary
society
, the number of
people
 who spend their leisure time shopping is increasing,
while
 some argue that
this
 trend can affect
people
 in both advantageous and disadvantageous ways. The reasons behind
this
 phenomenon will be discussed in the following essay
along with
 the effects of it on both individual and social perspectives. There are many factors that result in the popularity of shopping, and the major one is that
this
 activity can provide a perfect social atmosphere for the general public.
That is
 because during the process of shopping, it is natural for
people
 to talk about the clothes they try, the decoration styles of shops, and
price
Correct article usage
the price
show examples
 changes of the brands they love, thereby,
people
 can never feel awkward because of losing topics when shopping.
In addition
, they can find their similar aesthetic preferences about clothes in
this
 procedure, leading to a deeper understanding and a fostered connection with their friends.
For example
, Maci, the largest shopping centre in Boston, is full of shoppers who see shopping as their best way to relax and get
along with
 close friends,
according to
 recent research by Harvard. The increasing popularity of shopping can have effects on individuals and
society
 as a whole. On an individual level,
people
 can get sufficient exercise at the time of shopping, because
people
 believe the comparison is the key factor to
find
Wrong verb form
finding
show examples
 their favourite clothes, and
this
 requires a long distance walk in most cases, which could be undoubtfully beneficial to
people
 who have to sit for an extended period of time in working days.
On the other hand
,
this
 trend can
also
 benefit the whole
society
 because it can promote businesses. With more
people
 willing to shop, entrepreneurs can sell their products at a quicker speed, leading to less storage and a larger amount of cash flow in their accounts.
Therefore
, they can afford to invest in the development of new products and machines, resulting in a prosperous economy in the entire country. In conclusion, there is an increasing number of
people
 who take shopping as their favourite leisure activity because they can talk with friends and foster their connections in
this
 progress, and
this
 trend can be
both
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
advantageous to individuals by allowing for enough exercise and becoming healthier, and to the
society
 as a whole by promoting the economy.
Submitted by mxinyao on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction needs to give a clear indication of the writer's position and the structure of the essay. This will help the reader understand the purpose and direction of the essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses most parts of the task but could benefit from more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the positive and negative effects of shopping as a leisure activity.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • leisure activity
  • consumer culture
  • emotional satisfaction
  • consumerism
  • advertising influence
  • online shopping platforms
  • sense of pleasure
  • social interaction
  • boost the economy
  • compulsive shopping
  • materialism
  • environmental degradation
  • unsustainable demand
  • social inequalities
  • status through possessions
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