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Writing Samples
Band 6

These days, more and more people move away from the area where they were born and brought up when they become adults. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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In recent times, increasingly individuals move away from the
area
Use synonyms
 where they were born and raised when they become adults. In my opinion, the merits of migrate of
people
Use synonyms
 from their
homwtown
Correct your spelling
hometown
 to other places outweigh the demerits because
this
Linking Words
development
Add a verb
isdevelopment
wasdevelopment
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 beneficial for
personal
Add an article
the personal
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 and professional life of
people
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the primary drawback of
migrate
Change the verb form
migrating
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 from the
area
Use synonyms
 where they were born and brought up to other
Use synonyms
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
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 is they can face
culture
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 shock .
This
Linking Words
 is because moving to a new zones means
Use synonyms
experience
Wrong verb form
experiencing
show examples
 a new
culture
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 and
custom
Fix the agreement mistake
customs
show examples
, which means
people
Use synonyms
 are
moer
Correct your spelling
more
 vulnerable to struggle in order to adapt
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
new
experience
Use synonyms
.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
people
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 will become under stress result of
Use synonyms
experience
Wrong verb form
experiencing
show examples
 a new
culture
Use synonyms
 and maybe they get mental health issues namely, depression,
anxiety
Correct word choice
and anxiety
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I would like to argue that the benefits of
move
Replace the word
moving
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 from the
area
Use synonyms
 where they were born and brought up
significantly
Add a missing verb
are significantly
show examples
 more than
downsides
Correct article usage
the downsides
show examples
. The first advantage,
people
Use synonyms
 will
experience
Use synonyms
 a new
culture
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 and
custom
Fix the agreement mistake
customs
show examples
, which means
people
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 will become more open mind to accept diversity cultural.
As a result
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,
this
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 development can contribute to
spread
Wrong verb form
spreading
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
peace
on
Change preposition
in
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 the world through unite
people
Use synonyms
 together. A better job opportunity is another advantage for moving
people
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 away from their hometown to a new
cities
Correct the article-noun agreement
city
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 or town.
For example
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,
people
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 who move from developing countries to industrialized countries are more likely to get
a better jobs
Correct the article-noun agreement
a better job
better jobs
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 with good salaries, which means migration
improve
Correct subject-verb agreement
improves
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 the quality of
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
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live
Change the verb form
lives
show examples
.
To sum up
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, In my perspective,
although
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
moving
people
Use synonyms
 away from the
area
Use synonyms
 where they were born and brought up can bring
downisdes
Correct your spelling
downsides
 namely,
culture
Use synonyms
 shock, I still believe the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
upsides of
this
Linking Words
 development outweigh the downsides
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because is
advantagous
Correct your spelling
advantageous
 for personal
as well as
Linking Words
 professional life of individuals.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • metropolitan
  • migration
  • globalization
  • socio-economic factors
  • traditional norms
  • cosmopolitan environment
  • brain drain
  • assimilation
  • gentrification
  • alienation
  • multiculturalism
  • infrastructure strain
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