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Writing Samples
Band 6

These days, more and more people move away from the area where they were born and brought up when they become adults. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #move #area #adults #development
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In recent times, increasingly individuals move away from the
area
 where they were born and raised when they become adults. In my opinion, the merits of migrate of
people
 from their
homwtown
Correct your spelling
hometown
 to other places outweigh the demerits because
this
development
Add a verb
isdevelopment
wasdevelopment
show examples
 beneficial for
personal
Add an article
the personal
show examples
 and professional life of
people
.
On the other hand
, the primary drawback of
migrate
Change the verb form
migrating
show examples
people
 from the
area
 where they were born and brought up to other
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
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 is they can face
culture
 shock .
This
 is because moving to a new zones means
experience
Wrong verb form
experiencing
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 a new
culture
 and
custom
Fix the agreement mistake
customs
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, which means
people
 are
moer
Correct your spelling
more
 vulnerable to struggle in order to adapt
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
a
Correct article usage
apply
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new
experience
.
Consequently
,
people
 will become under stress result of
experience
Wrong verb form
experiencing
show examples
 a new
culture
 and maybe they get mental health issues namely, depression,
anxiety
Correct word choice
and anxiety
show examples
.
On the other hand
, I would like to argue that the benefits of
move
Replace the word
moving
show examples
people
 from the
area
 where they were born and brought up
significantly
Add a missing verb
are significantly
show examples
 more than
downsides
Correct article usage
the downsides
show examples
. The first advantage,
people
 will
experience
 a new
culture
 and
custom
Fix the agreement mistake
customs
show examples
, which means
people
 will become more open mind to accept diversity cultural.
As a result
,
this
 development can contribute to
spread
Wrong verb form
spreading
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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peace
on
Change preposition
in
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 the world through unite
people
 together. A better job opportunity is another advantage for moving
people
 away from their hometown to a new
cities
Correct the article-noun agreement
city
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 or town.
For example
,
people
 who move from developing countries to industrialized countries are more likely to get
a better jobs
Correct the article-noun agreement
a better job
better jobs
show examples
 with good salaries, which means migration
improve
Correct subject-verb agreement
improves
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 the quality of
people
Change noun form
people's
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live
Change the verb form
lives
show examples
.
To sum up
, In my perspective,
although
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
moving
people
 away from the
area
 where they were born and brought up can bring
downisdes
Correct your spelling
downsides
 namely,
culture
 shock, I still believe the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
upsides of
this
 development outweigh the downsides
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because is
advantagous
Correct your spelling
advantageous
 for personal
as well as
 professional life of individuals.
Submitted by faiz3177 on

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • metropolitan
  • migration
  • globalization
  • socio-economic factors
  • traditional norms
  • cosmopolitan environment
  • brain drain
  • assimilation
  • gentrification
  • alienation
  • multiculturalism
  • infrastructure strain
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