IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people feel that there is too much emphasis on getting an education, and that the government should spend money on leisure time activities for young people too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #emphasis #education #government #money #leisure #time #activities
Nowadays, there is a group of people who argue that excessive investment in
education
 has overshadowed the importance of recreational activities. Personally, I understand and acknowledge both perspectives, and I would like to explore
this
 topic
further
 in
this
 essay. On one hand,
education
 lays the foundation for the development of a country and should,
therefore
, be its top priority. It is undeniable that developed nations possess significantly more advanced
education
 systems than those of their developing counterparts. By way of illustration, the United States, being a global leader, owes much of its success to a prestigious
education
 system that includes renowned institutions
such
 as Havard, Yale and Stanford universities.
Moreover
, a well-established
education
 system not only contributes to the economic growth of a country but
also
 fosters social awareness and civility.
On the other hand
, as life becomes increasingly hectic, everyone is prone to pressure from various aspects.
Therefore
, the needs for entertainment are practical and reasonable. Studies have shown that workers with a better work-life balance often outperform ones who constantly grind and endure stress, despite the fact that the former invest fewer hours in their jobs.
Furthermore
, people tend to have a stronger passion for their professions when they have a well-balanced life between working and relaxation, resulting in enhanced productivity and, ultimately, a more flourishing economy and society. In conclusion,
while
education
 should remain the primary focus of a country, given its direct impact on the prosperity of its people, recreational activities should not be disregarded and they deserve meaningful investment to create a balanced and fulfilling life. I firmly believe that a nation can truly thrive when it achieves
this
 equilibrium.
Submitted by nhiyen3104 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: