IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

People are responsible for their happiness. Others feel happiness depends on other factors in their life. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

#people #happiness #factors #life
Individuals are responsible for their
happiness
. Others think
happiness
 rely on other elements in their life. In my opinion,
happiness
Add an article
the happiness
show examples
 of
people
 depends on external aspects namely,
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
, and
social
Correct article usage
the social
show examples
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. On the one hand, some believe
people
 are responsible for their
happiness
. They think
people
 can participate in useful activities namely, playing sports,
travel
Wrong verb form
travelling
show examples
 abroad, spend time with
familiy
Correct your spelling
family
, which these activities can help
people
 to achieve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness
.
This
 is because these activities contribute to
relieve
Wrong verb form
relieving
show examples
 stress and help
people
 to
enjoy
Correct pronoun usage
themselvesenjoy
show examples
.
Furthermore
,
people
are have
Change the verb form
have
show examples
choice
Add an article
the choice
a choice
show examples
 to read
a good news
Remove the article
good news
a piece of good news
show examples
 in
newspaper
Add an article
the newspaper
show examples
 or bad news, which means if they read
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good news can help them to become optimistic about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life.
On the other hand
, I would like to agree with
thoses
Correct your spelling
those
 who think
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness
 depends on outside factors
such
 as
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
, and
social
Replace the word
society
show examples
 of the country. Regarding
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
economy
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 aspect , if
country
Correct article usage
a country
show examples
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
prosper
Change the verb form
prospered
show examples
economy
 means more jobs opportunity for
people
, which means
people
 are more likely to get
a better jobs
Correct the article-noun agreement
a better job
better jobs
show examples
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 good salaries,
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
show examples
 work environment.
Therefore
, if
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Individuals become satisfied
about
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their jobs they are more likely to accomplish
happiness
toward
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
porfessional
Correct your spelling
professional
 and personal life. When it comes to social
factor
Fix the agreement mistake
factors
show examples
, if
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Individuals live in
Add an article
the neighborhood
show examples
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
show examples
have
Correct pronoun usage
that have
show examples
low
Add an article
a low
show examples
 rate of crime they are more likely to become contented
about
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
.
This
 is because they feel more safe to raise their children or go outside their homes without worrying about
to become
Change the verb form
becoming
show examples
 victims of criminals.
To sum up
, In my perspective,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness
 rely on
outsides
Change the noun form
outside
show examples
 elements namely,
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
economy
Replace the word
economic
show examples
progerss
Correct your spelling
progress
 of the country,
low
Correct word choice
and low
show examples
 social issue.
Submitted by faiz3177 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Self-reliance
  • Positive psychology
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Well-being
  • Mindset
  • Personal choices
  • Environmental factors
  • Interpersonal relationships
  • Emotional resilience
  • Quality of life
  • Subjective well-being
  • External circumstances
What to do next:
Look at other essays: