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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

at the presen time, the population of some countries include a relatively larg number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#presen #time #population #countries #larg #adults #people
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In some countries, the population of
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation surpass the senior citizens. There is an ongoing debate on the positive and negative sides of
this
Linking Words
 topic. From my perspective, the advantages exceed the disadvantages.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the main benefits of young adults are better productivity and more workforce. The younger minds contain new attitudes and modern opinion
system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
show examples
. If a young individual sets foot in a place, he will come up with new solutions for issues. That's the reason why the younger ones make
profit
Add an article
a profit
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, it would be worthwhile if a company hire a young graduate
instead
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 of someone who will be
retired
Wrong verb form
retiring
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 soon.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, as we get older our body's capability to work properly will decline.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the young people's abilities are far better and they would become appropriate professionals.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the drawbacks cannot be ignored. First of all,
according to
Linking Words
 technology
advancement
Add a comma
,advancement
show examples
 younger people tend to be passive. Everyone
agree
Change the verb form
agrees
show examples
 that disaster is waiting for us without taking life seriously by young adults.
For example
Linking Words
, researchers have shown that people in
this
Linking Words
 age group have been involved in
digital
Add an article
the digital
a digital
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 world and
unable
Add a missing verb
are unable
show examples
 to concentrate on essential issues. Second of all,
overpopulation
Correct article usage
the overpopulation
show examples
 of younger one lead to more educational demands. There must be adequate facilities, colleges and academic opportunities for increasing numbers of
younger
Add an article
the younger
a younger
show examples
 generation. If society
don't
Change the verb form
doesn't
show examples
 take notice, we will face teenagers with no useful skills and ambitions. No one would be more hazardous than a 20
years
Fix the agreement mistake
year
show examples
 old aimless person. In conclusion, it seems to me that there are some drawbacks.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the pros outweigh the cons. The government is obligated to put more
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
 into issues concerning younger ones. With
this
Linking Words
 approach, our delightful future will become achievable.
Submitted by niloofar.ot92 on

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