IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The top priority of business is making money, and they do not need to have social respondsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#priority #business #money #respondsibilities
The high class of businesspeople is generating profits, and they do not have to deal with public
respondsibilities
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
.
While
 I accept
this
 justification, I believe that they should
also
 have
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
respondsibilities
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 social problems On the one hand, the idea of corporations should maximize their profits by expanding the business all over the
world
 sounds pretty good. First of all,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
global economics would have an enormous increase and it means that there would be more
competitive
Replace the word
competition
show examples
 between firms, more
competitive
Replace the word
competition
show examples
 means that the race in
Add an article
the economical
show examples
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 side would be
a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
loop to make more money in the
world
.
Furthermore
, spreading the business all over the
world
 would decrease the unemployment rate and it would certainly
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
benefit
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
poorer countries all around the
world
 as it
also
 means that the economics in those countries could be changed.
On the other hand
, despite all of those reasons for the
world
's economics, if we consider
this
 matter in a different view, we could see that
this
 would give us more problems to solve. The environment is a perfect example
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
. In spite of the ozone layers
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
being destroyed by the greenhouse effect which was caused by gases
such
 as carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide and yet very few of them seem to care. To make matters worse, they would cut out the expense to make some factories become more
ecofriendly
Correct your spelling
eco-friendly
show examples
.
Additionally
, so few of them would really donate to charity as if they don't really care or they just don't like spending the money they think
that is
 stupid. I do agree that there are other methods of donation, but to help
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
countries that
in
Add a missing verb
are in
show examples
 famine
high
Change preposition
with high
show examples
 homelessness
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
show examples
, money is essential. In conclusion,
while
 it is irrefutable that to prioritize the global economical benefits, I would contend that the top priority in the business class should bear the
respondsibilities
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
 of social problems that the
world
 is still dealing with.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: