IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The top priority of businesses is making money, and they do not need to have social responsibilites. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#priority #businesses #money #responsibilites
It is often said that businesses make an effort to generate profits
while
 they do not need to have public responsibilities. I completely agree with
this
 notion that we should
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
solve socio-economic problems and should not concentrate on making money.
Firstly
, there is an undeniable fact that businesses play a very important role
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 creating jobs for
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
.
For example
, a good illustration is
Apple
Company
 it develops its investment by selling more products. Nowadays
Apple
 is a very popular phone
company
 with young people.
In addition
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
,it is popular to buy to use newly launched
apple
Capitalize word
Apple
show examples
 products that look more and more luxurious.
Apple
's success today comes mainly from the iPhone. The
company
 has sold more than 1 billion devices since its first day of launch in 2007. We can imagine
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
what might happen if
giant
Correct article usage
a giant
show examples
company
 collapsed
?
Change the punctuation
.
show examples
 Thousands of people would potentially
loose
Replace the word
lose
show examples
 their job because
increasing
Change preposition
of increasing
show examples
 manpower and new products leading to it, being famous. So who will take care of their families when they lose their jobs, which can be used to sustain their life
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
Secondly
, since the outbreak of the COVID-19 pandemic, more than a sixth of young workers have had to stop working, and those who are able to continue working have had their working hours cut by 23%. In 2021, approximately 12.8 million people aged 15 years and older have been negatively impacted, including job loss, furlough, rotational work, reduced working hours, or reduced income.
Also
, increasing pressure on women's time to take care of their children, especially when schools are closed, and their children have to study online at home. Other pauper families are hard to earn food because they have less savings and limited access to finance. In conclusion, businesses have big responsibilities against
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human life
by
Change preposition
for
show examples
 two reasons and both of them have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
special places and
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can be negligible.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: