IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is the reponsibilitiy of individuals to save and provide for their own retirement. Governments have no obligation to provide this benifits. To what extent do you agree or disagree with these statements?

#reponsibilitiy #individuals #retirement #governments #obligation #benifits #statements
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Retirement
plans
is
Change the verb form
are
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 a significant part of individuals, for which,everyone wants to be safe and secure in their life of old age. To provide
retirement
 benefit,
government
 do not have
Correct article usage
an obilgation
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obilgation
Correct your spelling
obligation
 for it, as it is the
reponsibility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 of individuals to save and provide for their own
retirement
. Everyone wants their future
plans
 of
retirements
Fix the agreement mistake
retirement
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 to be secured.
Government
 should have
role
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a role
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 in the benefit of
retirement
 for those who are under
poverty
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the poverty
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 line, as per the ratio counted by the respective organisations.
So that
Correct word choice
So
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 it would be helpful for those who are
in
Change preposition
apply
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below
Correct article usage
the proverty
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proverty
Correct your spelling
poverty
 line, by providing free food products for their daily survival. Even they should provide subsidised products
,
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apply
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 so that needy people could be able to buy them for daily needs in their
retirement
 age. As Indian railway is
Correct article usage
a renound
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renound
Correct your spelling
renowned
 railway system for
their
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the
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 best service provided to the
citizens
,
apart from
this
 Indian
governemnt
Correct your spelling
government
 provides subsidised fare tickets to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
senior
citizens
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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travel in Indian railway.
In
Change preposition
To
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 some
extend
Replace the word
extent
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, the
government
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government's
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 involvement in the benefits of
retirement
 may be misused by
citizens
. I agree with
statement
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the statement
show examples
 that individuals should save and provide their own
retirement
plans
 as per their
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
 in future. In
recent
Add an article
a recent
show examples
 survey done by United Nations,
that
Correct word choice
apply
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they came
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
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 reports done by third survey providers , in which the people who were well settled, even though they enrolled in the
government
retirement
plans
 which were only provided to poor senior
citizens
 of the respective country.
Individual
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An individual
show examples
retirement
plan
Fix the agreement mistake
plans
show examples
 should be
must
Correct article usage
a must
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 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people who are
fillthy
Correct your spelling
filthy
 rich, rather than depending on
goverments retiremnt
Correct your spelling
government retirement
 funds. In conclusion,
to save
Change the verb form
saving
show examples
 and
provide
Wrong verb form
providing
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 for their own
retiremnt
Correct your spelling
retirement
retirements
 is good for each one of us. Despite of depending benefits
providing
Wrong verb form
provided
show examples
 by any organisation. In which there will be a limitation. If we have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
saving
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
show examples
 for our
retirement
plans
,
then
 there will
no
Add a missing verb
be no
show examples
 limitation or any obligation of funds, as per our needs in our
retirement
.
Submitted by ebin183 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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