IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think children should have mobile phones, others disagree. Discuss both sides and give opinion.

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Many people assume
kids
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 should have technology equipment
such
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 as mobile
phones
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, Others argue
this
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 view. I strongly believe that when
kids
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 own mobile
phones
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, it brings advantages namely to help them to complete their educational matters.
However
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, it
also
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 potentially gives a downside, without any control and awareness
children
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 will fall into negative things that influence their personal growth. On one hand, permitting
children
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 to have their own mobile phone, will be helpful for their educational matters. Nowadays, there are a lot of schools which associated with technology in their learning activities. Willing or not, it leads
kids
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 to use technology tools in order to finish their tasks.
For example
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, students at school often finish their assignments on a particular online platform
such
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 as Quiziz, sometimes teacher asks students to send their work results through WhatsApp. Mobile
phones
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also
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 be put on to accept additional information from teachers through the Learning Management System. It caused parents to be able to coordinate with teachers about
kids
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' learning track records through Learning Management System Websites.
On the other hand
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,
however
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, without any control from parents,
kids
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 potentially will fall into negative things that affect their personal growth. The mobile phone provides several applications for
kids
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 to explore much information on the internet.
Then
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,
kids
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 have high natural curiosity which makes them access inappropriate content.
For example
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, on
Instagram
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Instagram,
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 there are many inappropriate images uploaded by someone, and if
children
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 see them, they will imitate them in real life.
Moreover
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, spending too much time on mobile
phones
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,
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apply
show examples
will decrease
children
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's social abilities.
Children
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 tend to watch their
phones
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 because they think it is more interesting than others. Parents have to create wise policies to reduce their
kids
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' time on mobile
phones
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.
For example
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, allowing
children
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 only for 1-2 hours to use their own mobile
phones
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, and direct them to do other activities that become the main priority. In Conclusion, giving permission to
children
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 have their own mobile phone has advantages
such
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 as it can help
children
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 complete their educational matters at school.
However
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, it
also
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 has a downside, if they have no control over adults, they will accept the all of information on the internet without any filters and it will influence their personal growth.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. While the overall structure is adequate, deeper elaboration and clearer transition between supporting points will improve coherence.
coherence cohesion
Introduce each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and develop paragraphs with focused and relevant supporting points. Aim for better paragraphing and solid argumentation without distractions from the main topic.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task, providing both sides of the argument as well as a personal opinion, which is good. However, develop your arguments more thoroughly and provide more detailed examples to support your points.
task achievement
Balance the development of both views thoroughly so that there is an even exploration of the topic and a logical flow that leads to your conclusion. Clarify your opinion more explicitly and consistently throughout the essay.
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