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Writing Samples
Band 7

The charts below show the results of a survey of the primary exercise objectives and locations of a selected group of adults between 20 and 50 years of age.

The charts below show the results of a survey of the primary exercise objectives and locations of a selected group of adults between 20 and 50 years of age.
#show #results #survey #exercise #objectives #locations #group #adults #years #age
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The pie chart depicts information about the outcome of a survey in order to know about the aim of doing exercises by individuals between 20 and 50 years of
age
.
Overall
, the maximum percentile of both given aged
people
 finds
pleasure
 in achievement at work, whilst the minimum per centum of the masses over 30
age
group
 bring
happiness
 by spending time with family. After analysing it can be seen clearly that there is a difference of below a tenth in the proportion of the individuals under 30
age
group
 who likes to do exercise as they have a hobby and for other factors bring them
happiness
, the respective figures were above two-fifths and 14%. The proportion of young individuals who makes happy with having a good appearance is 18%,
whereas
 the per cent of
people
 of the same
age
group
 who find
pleasure
 in travelling decreased by 3%. The pie chart
further
 collates that one-fifths of older
people
 bring
happiness
 to them
in
Change preposition
apply
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doing financial security,
while
 the percentile of same-aged
people
 find
pleasure
 in performing hobbies is just above a quarter.
Furthermore
, the percentage of
above
Correct pronoun usage
those above
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 30
age
group
 masses feel
pleasure
 whenever they spend time with their families is 14%,
however
Add a comma
,however
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 the percentage of above 30
age
people
 bring
happiness
Change preposition
to them
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them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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in attaining achievement at work
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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escalated by nearly a fifth.
Submitted by MANJOT on

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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, people, pleasure, group, happiness with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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