IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children should be allowed to stay at home and play until they are six or seven years old. Others believe that it is important for young children to go to school as soon as possible. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #children #home #six #seven #years #school
Nowadays, some individuals opine that
children
 have to stay at
home
 and enjoy their
time
 playing without enrolling in schools at
this
 early
age
,
others
Correct word choice
while others
show examples
 would argue that they must go to
school
 as soon as possible.
Although
 I am convinced that
children
 have the right to enjoy themselves at
home
, I would support the second opinion that they must go to
school
 as soon as possible.
Firstly
, those who advocate that kids have to stay at
home
, opine that they are too young to have any
school
 commitments
such
 as assignments or
homeworks
Correct your spelling
homework
,
therefore
 their parents would have much
time
 to teach them
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
great values at
home
 and to make them well-brought-up
children
.
In addition
, they will spend
this
time
play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
 with their siblings, and it would enhance and strengthen the family bond between
children
.
For instance
, In Egypt, most families tend to keep their offspring at
home
 at
this
 early
age
 for these reasons
whereas
 a minority of people send their young kids to
school
.
On the other hand
, it is essential for
children
 to go to pre-education schools
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
this
 early
age
 for various purposes,
firstly
 they will be involved in the education process early so that
this
 will broaden their horizons, and make them able to proceed
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 other education stages,
moreover
, these institutions have many other facilities
besides
 classrooms that
children
 would love
such
 as playgrounds and toys rooms,
thus
 they will
also
 be thrilled at
this
age
 like they are in
home
Add an article
the home
show examples
.
For instance
, In Saudi Arabia,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 offers incentives to those families who
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
 their kids in schools at
this
 early
age
 because the authorities are aware of the benefits
this
 trend would bring. In conclusion,
although
 it sounds natural for
children
 to stay at
home
 at
this
 early
age
 to play, and enjoy their
time
,
this
 would come with issues,
hence
 I do believe that the benefits of going to
school
 outweigh the merits of staying
home
.
Submitted by abdoo.magicoo on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: