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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Many are of the view that ex-convicts get transformed into good
people
Use synonyms
 in society, and it is usually suggested that
such
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 individuals are the ideal ones to educate young adults on the negative effects of being involved in illegal activity. I totally disagree with the statement because
teenagers
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 may not listen to a prisoner's idea and
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also
Rephrase
apply
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other adults like teachers, parents, and the police should rather talk to
teenagers
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. Experience, they say is the best teacher; many believe that an individual who
had
Wrong verb form
has
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 gone through a situation gives a lecture about it.
However
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,
teenagers
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 might not trust a prisoner who has once committed a crime. They may not believe anything they say because they are seen to be bad citizens for doing something illegal.
For instance
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, the teen may be of the notion that why should he or she follow advice from someone who could not obey rules but decided to break them,
this
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 might make the
teenagers
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 not heed any advice from a past committer of crime,
therefore
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, I disagree that they are the best
people
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 to speak to
teenagers
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 about the side effects of engaging in crimes.
On the other hand
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,
teenagers
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 can learn about illegal actions and their effects from various sources aside from lawbreakers who might even pose some risks to
people
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 because one can not tell if they have indeed changed in a positive way. I believe it is safe for the police to talk to
teenagers
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 as they
also
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 have experience with crimes and their drawbacks.
For example
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, a seminar can be organized in school for students to be educated on “the life of a criminal” where they can acquire some knowledge.
Additionally
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, teachers and parents can educate
teenagers
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 as well.  In conclusion, I disagree that
people
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 who were once criminals should educate
teenagers
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 about their past experiences to prevent them from committing crimes because it might not be effective, but parents can take up that role.

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Task Response
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organize your ideas more clearly to improve the overall coherence.
Lexical Resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary and expressions to elevate the lexical resource.
Grammatical Range
Demonstrate a wider variety of sentence structures and grammatical forms to enhance grammatical range.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • prisoners
  • rehabilitation
  • recidivism
  • consequences
  • insights
  • deterrent
  • guidance
  • support
  • role models
  • positive change
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