IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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Introduction
In many countries, the growing number of
people
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 with health issues linked to fast-
food
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 consumption requires governments to impose
a
Correct article usage
apply
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higher taxes on
such
Linking Words
food
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. I totally agree with
this
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 statement because a higher
tax
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 on junk
food
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 can encourage
people
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 to eat healthier, and the extra revenue could be used for healthcare.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, a higher
tax
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 will make fast
food
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 products less appealing to consumers. When unhealthy
food
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 is expensive,
people
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 are motivated to buy cheap, healthy alternatives.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 will lead to a healthy lifestyle and a drop in obesity-related diseases. To illustrate, in the United Kingdom, the introduction of a
tax
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 on sugary drinks (Sugar
Tax
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) led manufacturers to reduce the amount of sugar in their recipes.
While
Linking Words
 the population purchased fewer carbonated drinks, lowering daily calorie consumption among young
people
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, the funds collected from
such
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 taxes can be used directly by the government to finance hospitals, school nutrition campaigns, and
subsidize
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subsidise
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 healthy meals in schools (based on nutrients and vitamins).
Moreover
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, those who still choose to eat fast
food
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 indirectly contribute to covering medical costs,
for example
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, those generated by their habits.
For instance
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, the government can use the money from the junk-
food
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tax
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 to provide free, balanced hot meals in schools, helping children from disadvantaged backgrounds to develop healthy eating habits from an early age.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, I strongly believe that governments should impose higher taxes on fast
food
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.
This
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 not only determines
people
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 from buying unhealthy products and reduces rates of severe illnesses, but
also
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will provide
Wrong verb form
provides
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 funding for public healthcare and educational
food
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 programs.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same. To make it stronger, explain more fully why a tax would make people choose healthy food, since some people may still buy fast food even when it costs more.
task response
Your two main points are good: a tax may cut fast-food use, and the money may help health care. Add one short point about poor families, because a higher price may be hard for them. Then say how cheap healthy food could help.
task response
Your UK sugar-tax example is useful. Make the link to your main point clearer: say that it shows a tax can also push food makers to make less harmful food.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear plan: opening, two main parts, and ending. Each body part has one main idea, which makes it easy to read.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. The words “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” can suggest two different sides of an argument, but both parts support your view. Try “First” and “Second” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences need a clearer link. For example, after the UK example, change “While the population purchased...” to a full sentence, such as “As a result, people bought fewer fizzy drinks...”
coherence and cohesion
In the last part, “This not only determines people” is not clear. Write “This not only stops some people from buying unhealthy food...” so the meaning is easy to follow.
task response
You answer the full question and clearly state that you agree.
task response
The ideas are relevant and supported with clear examples about sugar tax and school meals.
coherence and cohesion
Your opening and ending match well, and the main ideas appear in a clear order.
coherence and cohesion
Paragraphing is effective: each main part focuses on one reason for higher taxes.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
  • health outcomes
  • healthcare costs
  • consumer behavior
  • socio-economic backgrounds
  • ethical implications
  • public health campaigns
  • subsidies
  • regulations
  • nutritional content
  • healthier food options
  • government intervention
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