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Band 4.5

14.Although families have powerful influence on children, the influence that comes from outside the family plays a bigger part in children’s development. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Children's development is mainly impacted by their families, but there is no denial effect from others. I absolutely agree with
this
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 opinion, thanks to modern technological
improvement
Fix the agreement mistake
improvements
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the
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, the
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 younger generation easily influences others. First of all, in the incipient period, scions mostly influence their mature
but
Correct word choice
apply
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, but these effects gradually replace the other,
for example
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, peers, natural and cyber environment. In
this
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 case,
this
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 effect is not always beneficial
so
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, so
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,
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apply
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 violence, crime, smoking, and
vulgarism
Use the right word
vulgarity
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 are
behaviour
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behaviours
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 that the younger generation should be away from
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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.
Moreover
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, children's character mainly shapes others' opinions and behaviour. In my opinion, mature
should
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people should
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realize
Use the right word
realise
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this
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 situation and save the younger generation from these negative effects. If their parent does not spend enough time with their
child
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child,
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 it should be a harmful consequence later on much more harmful effect.
Secondly
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, the family impact is never underestimated because it always affects a child's psychology.
Thus
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, from
starting
Correct article usage
the starting
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 point of each life
parents'
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, parents'
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 behaviour significantly
impact
Correct subject-verb agreement
impacts
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 the children's character
so
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, so
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,
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apply
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 the younger ones learn
anything
Check wording
everything
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 from them directly and it becomes their truth.
Nevertheless
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, it gradually changes, so technological improvements accelerate
this
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 process
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such
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, such
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 as social networks
thanks
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, thanks
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 to gathering people.
On the other hand
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, schoolmates , teachers, and peers
also
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 significantly affect their life because they spend
their most of
Correct word order
most of their
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 time with them. In
this
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,
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apply
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case
their
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, their
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 effects are more than their parents.
To conclude
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, from
starting
Correct article usage
the starting
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 point of life
maturity
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, maturity
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are
Verb problem
has
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 a major impact on the scion
but
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, but
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,
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apply
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 it gradually replaces their other influences,
such
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 as online groups,
school-mares
Use the right word
schoolmates
show examples
, and peers.

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task achievement
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and uses examples to explain it. This will help to make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Always check your sentences for grammar and clarity. This will improve the flow of your writing.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use clear connecting words to show your ideas. Words like 'firstly', 'secondly', or 'for example' can help with this.
positive
You present an interesting view on the influence of family and external factors on child development.
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