IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that sports subjects should be removed from school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #sports #subjects #school #curriculum
I completely disagree with the statement as it plays a vital role in the lives of youngsters,
also
 the same
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 be discussed in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
 with, in
this
 era, the majority of children prefer to spend their leisure time indoors by watching television, playing video games, or scrolling on the internet.
However
, it has a detrimental impact on their physical, social, and mental well-being.
Consequently
, if learning institutes
would
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not encourage them to play outside,
then
 they might keep
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
deteriorating their health.
For instance
, it has been observed that children, in
this
 era, are obese or suffering from serious health diseases,
due to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of physical movement.
Furthermore
, sports are quite necessary for the
overall
 development of children as it teaches them a plethora of skills.
In other words
, for the intellectual development of kids gaming plays an essential role and they could develop a good team spirit, learn competitive techniques, and their brain functioning improves as well.
Apart from
this
, if schools would not include it as an important lecture,
then
 learners would feel bored when they keep on learning throughout the day. Since they could not enjoy any moment there.
For example
, students could relax
while
 playing,
therefore
, their minds would be fresh and they could concentrate more on their work later on. In conclusion, playing sports at an early age is really a good habit for adults because it is useful for them to maintain a good physique for the rest of their life, despite
this
, it is fruitful in
improvising
Verb problem
improving
show examples
 their abilities, which they would require for their whole life. In fact, it is a useful tool for a fresh mind,
thus
, it is a very important subject in studies.
Submitted by lavisharma622 on

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task response
Ensure a clear and precise introduction that explicitly addresses the topic and provides a clear stance on the issue. Develop each point with relevant and specific examples to support the argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by organizing the content into well-developed paragraphs with clear topic sentences and supporting details. Use cohesive devices to link ideas and ensure coherence throughout the essay.
lexical resource
Diversify the use of vocabulary to enhance the lexical resource. Also, pay attention to word choice and accuracy to convey ideas more effectively.
grammatical range
Work on the accuracy and complexity of sentence structures. Use a wider variety of grammatical structures and pay attention to verb tense consistency and subject-verb agreement.
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