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Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries young people have become richer, healthier and live longer, but they are less happy. What are the causes? What can be done to address this situation?

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It is true that there is a tendency in some nations that
although
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 youngsters not only
becomes
Correct subject-verb agreement
become
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 wealthier and healthier but
also
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 have a longer life expectancy, they do not feel contented. Some explanations for
this
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 problem
such
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 as a more modern lifestyle and overloaded missions will be put forward before a few measures are proposed to be adopted like reducing work hours in companies and rearranging personal schedules. There are two key reasons for
this
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 situation. The primary one is that with high-tech devices nowadays, young people can easily earn money to enhance their health
as well as
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 their living standard from different online shopping
basis
Fix the agreement mistake
bases
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.
For example
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, numerous individuals use TikTok or Facebook as a means of making a living and stick their eyes to their phones a whole day rather than talking and sharing their personal stories, which creates a huge distance between members of families. Another cause that should be mentioned is that most people these days are under pressure
of working
Change preposition
to work
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 overtime in order to have a higher salary and get promoted, which makes them exhausted and not have enough time for their family and friends.
Therefore
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,
this
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 trend leads to the issue that despite being richer and healthier, most of them are not really satisfied with their life. Fortunately, some solutions could be taken to tackle
this
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 problem. The first convinced one is that
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 should enforce a new policy as work hours should be reduced so that employers are able to spend more time with their beloved and improve their relationships.
Secondly
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, individuals should take some steps to rearrange their timetable in order that they manage to follow their interests
along with
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 their compulsory activities at work to relieve stress.
For instance
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, a study shows that spending time unwinding and doing what people are keen on could help promote motivation in their jobs. In conclusion,
it is clear that
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 a stronger mind results in a stronger body and vice versa.
While
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 money is an undeniably crucial part of our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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, physical fitness is
also
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 extremely necessary.

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lexical resource
Make sure to use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance the lexical resource and grammatical range and accuracy scores. This will also make the essay more engaging and sophisticated.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. This gives your essay more credibility and depth.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the problem and outlines the structure of the essay, making it easy to follow.
task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the task by discussing both causes and solutions to the problem.
supported main points
The main points are supported with explanations and some examples, which demonstrates a good understanding of the topic.
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