IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is true,
being
Correct word choice
that being
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 famous is what everyone wants, but it comes with some responsibilities.
People
Use synonyms
 in our societies particularly youngsters get easily influenced by the fame, glam, money, and position of any celebrity.
Also
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, these days media mainly showcase their high-class lifestyles rather than the hard work they did to reach that position and
therefore
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 send the wrong message to society
and
Correct word choice
apply
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especially to our young generation. I am convinced with the opinion
almost completely
Rephrase
apply
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and would give my supportive points for the same in
this
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 essay. 
People
Use synonyms
 often set their role models from a young age and look up to them. These days,
due to
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 online social media networks and other
twenty-four hours
Correct your spelling
twenty-four-hour
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 entertainment news channels, it is easy to follow
celebrity's
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celebrities'
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 daily lifestyles and expensive possessions.
Subsequently
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,
this
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 certainly affects youngsters most and so they want everything like them easily and quickly without looking at the implications.
For example
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, In Indian cricket, Mr Sachin Tendulkar, a famous batsman earned fame and money at a very young age with persistence and perfection in his cricket game,
however
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, he did not complete his school education. Unfortunately, many school boys give his example for skipping school classes but never even put their efforts and interest into the game. ,
Furthermore
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, to emphasise, it is not an influencer or our children's mistake here,
nevertheless
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 it is
due to
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 our own lack of discipline and good guidance and values in the families and societies.
Therefore
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, it is required to tell what is important in life and how much hard work is needed to become like their role model and to look for their talent and consistency to get that position. In conclusion, glamorous
people
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 and their wealth do influence young
people
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 and for the aforementioned reasons, I completely agree with
this
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 opinion.

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task response
Your essay provides a clear response to the question, but it lacks depth and development. Try to elaborate more on your points and provide a balanced argument.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be more impactful. Ensure that your introduction grabs the reader's attention and that your conclusion leaves a lasting impression.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
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