IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar which cause many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to enourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #enourage #people
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In today’s
food
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 industry, it is commonly found that a vast number of
food
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 and drink
products
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 contain high levels of
sugar
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 which lead to numerous young generations suffering from diabetes and obesity. There is a proposal that suggests that we need to increase the product’s price in order to decrease its sales.
Nevertheless
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,
this
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 strategy does not fully support the goal.
Therefore
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, several more actions need to be taken to address
this
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 health issue in society. Consuming sugary
products
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 is detrimental
due to
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 its harmful effects on our various body parts
such
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 as the brain and heart.
In addition
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 to that,
sugar
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 potentially increases the risk of depression and anxiety. From my point of view, irrespective of its rising cost,
people
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 won’t stop consuming it as it has become their habit and lifestyle. What is considered to be more effective is educating
people
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 about the potential health risks that are associated with higher intake of
sugar
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.
Furthermore
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, the government should intervene to ban certain levels of
sugar
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 like what is currently applied in some particular countries.
Moreover
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,
food
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 scientists should aspire to invent risk-free alternatives to
sugar
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 and start utilising it in their upcoming
products
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.
Therefore
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,
people
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 could enjoy sweetness through
this
Linking Words
 brand-new replacement without sacrificing their health. Ultimately,
sugar
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 is destructive mentally and physically.
However
Linking Words
, a growing cost of
sugar
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 would not prevent
people
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 from eating
sugar
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,
hence
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, the role of government is required here in order to limit the consumption of sugary
products
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.
Additionally
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,
food
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 scientists should
also
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 establish sweet yet healthier foods and beverages.
Submitted by syarahfatiha321 on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that your essay directly addresses the prompt by taking a clear stance on the issue presented. While your essay discusses the consequences of high sugar consumption and suggests alternative actions, it initially seems uncertain about the effectiveness of the proposed measure (making sugary products more expensive). Be explicit in your agreement or disagreement, and support your position with stronger arguments and more relevant examples.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, try to improve the logical flow of your essay by connecting your ideas more smoothly. Use a range of cohesive devices (e.g., furthermore, however, in addition) to link your paragraphs and sentences effectively. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea supported by examples or further explanation. Consider the overall structure of your essay and ensure it is easy for the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
To enhance the impact of your examples and arguments, integrate specific, real-world examples that directly support your viewpoint. This could be through citing studies, real-life implementations of certain policies, or statistics. Such specific references will strengthen your argument and make your response more compelling.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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