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Band 4.5

We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#world #communities #countries
It is true that assisting all needy
people
 is impossible globally,
instead
 of it, our own society and countries should be taken care of. Personally, I believe that charity should begin at home,
subsequently
, giving help to other nations' needy would be relevant. On the one hand, across some countries, severe famine and no accommodation would be pervasive,
for example
, African countries can encounter these kinds of problems.
Therefore
, there are
fortunately
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several organizations which are designated to assist the homeless and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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patient
Fix the agreement mistake
patients
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 around the world.
Although
 severe climate conditions contribute negatively to
people
's lives,
such
 as, the scarcity of drinking water and food
exists
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,
unfortunately
Add the comma(s)
unfortunately,
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 some climatic forces like
especially
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earthquakes, monsoons, and tsunami would take their toll on some nations' lifestyles.
As a consequence
 of these natural disasters,
people
 would undergo poverty and famine. For these reasons, giving assistance to the poor around the world could be challenging and impossible.
On the other hand
, helping
people
 locally could be effective and inexpensive. First and foremost, sending financial aid for own society could facilitate the appalling conditions more efficiently by conserving time and energy. In detail, forwarding foodstuffs and warm clothes abroad would require transport, time and workforce; yet, dedicating
this
 stuff to own country or nation could be inexpensive and straightforward.
Secondly
, most
people
 have a tendency that they cannot stand to be witness to poverty and famine in their own relatives or communities.
Thus
, they put efforts to support financially or try to supply accommodation for homeless compatriots. In conclusion, I think that local aid would be more beneficial rather than global ones
Submitted by kmuxayyo97 on

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coherence cohesion
Improve your coherence and cohesion by structuring your essay with clear introduction and conclusion, and ensure that your main points are logically connected throughout the essay.
task achievement
Work on providing a more complete response to the task, with a clearer introduction and conclusion, and make sure to include relevant specific examples to support your ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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