IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Government invest in the arts, such as music and theatre is waste of money. Government must invest this money in public services instead. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reason for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
These days
people
Use synonyms
 believe that politicians who are in charge of
society
Use synonyms
 should spend
money
Use synonyms
 on public
services
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of artistic activities
such
Linking Words
 as music and theatre which are not important issues.
This
Linking Words
 essay disagrees that it is preferable to invest a huge amount of
money
Use synonyms
 by different
governments
Use synonyms
 in
arts
Use synonyms
 in order to increase the general knowledge of
society
Use synonyms
 and create an opportunity for the young generation to be more creative. First of all, if a lot of investors are encouraged to put their
money
Use synonyms
 into artistic activities, individuals' knowledge will be improved when different types of
arts
Use synonyms
 level up. Since
people
Use synonyms
 are faced with a variety of artistic subjects, they will learn about different things in better ways, so, they can use public
services
Use synonyms
 in an efficient way.
Also
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 trend may lead
people
Use synonyms
 to invest some
money
Use synonyms
 in public
services
Use synonyms
 voluntarily.
For example
Linking Words
, in 2009 in Iran, about 300 public libraries were built by local
people
Use synonyms
 in each neighbourhood after the government had created an atmosphere where everyone could learn
arts
Use synonyms
 free of charge. Second of all, investing
money
Use synonyms
 from
governments
Use synonyms
 in
arts
Use synonyms
 could create a place where the young generation's creativity could be enhanced. Most teenagers' minds need to be bombarded with different types of valuable information that can only be gained from music, theatre, and other types of art. So, if
governments
Use synonyms
 provide useful artistic materials for them, they could be more creative.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, they can invent some public facilities that not only are good for
society
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 would reduce the amount of investment of
governments
Use synonyms
 in public
services
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, based on a survey in Iran, a lot of public transportation has been improved because of college students who have some artistic backgrounds. In conclusion, if
governments
Use synonyms
 put their assets into providing a place where
arts
Use synonyms
 can be improved
instead
Linking Words
 of investing only in public
services
Use synonyms
, it is not only a waste of
money
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 could increase the general knowledge of
society
Use synonyms
 and creativity levels of the young generation which can be more beneficial.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, aim for clearer transitions between ideas. Using phrases like 'Firstly', 'Additionally', 'In conclusion' can offer smoother navigation through your arguments.
Task Achievement
For task achievement, ensure every point made is directly linked to the question posed. Strengthen your argument with more varied and detailed examples, if possible, to further support your stance and ideas.
Introduction & Conclusion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured, effectively bookending your essay and reinforcing your viewpoint.
Logical Structure
Your essay demonstrates good logical structure, with a clear progression of ideas from the importance of arts to the potential creativity it nurtures in the youth.
Supported Main Points
You provided relevant examples to support your main points, such as the initiative in Iran to build public libraries and the improvement of public transportation, which helps to ground your argument in real-world outcomes.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: