IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many people today are worried about young children using video games. What problems might these games cause for children and society as a whole? how could these problems be reduced?

#people #children #video #games #society
With the advancement in technology, every generation has access to the internet. Youngsters,
however
Add the comma(s)
,however
show examples
 use it to play video games
instead
 of using it to gain knowledge.
Thus
, it affects their education and has some serious health
issues
.
This
 essay will explain these caused
issues
along with
 the potential measures to resolve
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. Ironically enough, the increasing trend of video games
in
Change preposition
among
show examples
 youth makes them ignore their studies.
This
 results in
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of information about the surroundings which in turn
effects
Correct your spelling
affects
show examples
 the development of society.
Moreover
, spending a significant amount of
time
 sitting in front of
screen
Add an article
a screen
the screen
show examples
 has some harmful effects on the human body,
for example
, overweight, eye problems or mental health
issues
.
For instance
, a study
2020
Change preposition
in 2020
show examples
 shows that the cause of 70%
youngster’s
Change preposition
of youngster’s
show examples
 obesity is spending an excessive amount of
time
 on electronic devices.
This
 proves the fact that the
excess
Replace the word
excessive
show examples
 use of everything is harmful. Some solutions can be adopted to improve the situation. Parents should put a
time
 limit on screen
time
 of their children and
also
 teach them to manage their
time
 effectively. It is important to encourage sports as an extracurricular activity among teenagers by schools to increase physical activity.
This
 will
also
 reduce mental stress and refresh them to concentrate on their studies.
To conclude
,
this
 essay highlighted that the main
issues
 caused by video games are the lack of knowledge gained and some serious health problems.
This
 essay
also
 presented the solutions that are teaching
time
 management skills at
young
Add an article
a young
show examples
 age and encouraging physical activity among them.
Submitted by manindermand28 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • interpersonal skills
  • violent content
  • academic performance
  • social isolation
  • family dynamics
  • educational campaigns
  • parental controls
  • alternative activities
  • content ratings
  • cognition
What to do next:
Look at other essays: