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Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries, secondary schools aim to provide a general education across a range of subjects. In others, children focus on a narrow range of subjects related to a particular career. Which do you think is appropriate in today’s world?

#countries #schools #aim #education #range #subjects #children #focus #career #today’s #world
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Nowadays, a lot of
countries's
Remove the s
countries'
show examples
 secondary
schools
 teach many
subjects
 in general.
However
, some people argue that the school's teachers should teach
subjects
 for only career,not generally. I strongly think that education for the career focus
provided
Add a missing verb
is provided
show examples
 in university. That will have more positive effects than secondary
schools
. If secondary
schools
 provide school pupils with only education for the necessary classes to get
jobs
. The government will have many younger experts. But,
categories
Correct article usage
the categories
show examples
 of the experts' activation range will be very small. Because the students will choose
subjects
 about only popular
jobs
. As time goes by , that will
be decrease
Change the verb form
decrease
show examples
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 number of experts about unpopular careers.
On the other hand
, when pupils are young, they need a lot of experience and many kinds of
subjects
 . Even if that was not about careers. And
then
, when they grow up, they can
wildely
Correct your spelling
widely
 to good
choose
Replace the word
choice
show examples
 of
jobs
 and get the job for interest. Because they do not have limited opportunities.
In addition
, they might not have
big
Add an article
a big
show examples
 think because they do not have several activities.
As a result
, they choose
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not
make
Fix the infinitive
to make
show examples
 good choices or bad choices. when they choose
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
secondry
Correct your spelling
secondary
 school. If that was bad
choices
Fix the agreement mistake
choice
show examples
,the choice change
very
Add a missing verb
is very
show examples
diffcult
Correct your spelling
difficult
. Because they could not study other
subjects
. For the reasons mentioned above, I think that secondary
schools
 should
provie
Correct your spelling
provide
 education
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
generally , widely and in many kinds of categories.
That is
 a good effect on pupils.
Then
 when they grow up as adults, they have many opportunities
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 get
jobs
 of many kinds.
Submitted by moneekun on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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