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Band 7

Some people think that governments should change the way individuals live, while others believe they should choose the way themselves. Discuss these both points of view and give your opinion? (Discussion)

#people #governments #change #individuals #points #discussion
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Correct your spelling
It
 is said that individuals should be responsible for choosing their own paths,
while
 others believe that
this
 responsibility belongs to
governments
.
This
 essay will discuss both viewpoints of
this
 argument and I will illustrate my perspective in the conclusion. On the one hand, it is obvious that there are several reasons for
governments
 to alter
people
's lives.
To begin
 with, they may help
people
 to choose their most suitable job. In
this
 digital era, every aspect of a person can be found and analyzed by
governments
.
Therefore
, they can help that person to choose the best option.
Subsequently
,
this
 suggestion will increase the efficiency and performance of
society
. Given
society
 is a machine,
people
 are cogs, and the operator is the government, they will know the best place and the best job for a citizen, which can exploit all his or her potential for
society
.
Therefore
, letting
governments
 choose your path is a good and stable choice.
On the other hand
, there is no doubt that
people
 have the right to choose their own paths because of several reasons. the foremost reason is that there is no one
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 understands
people
 more than themselves. There always will be some unspoken dreams or ambitions that no one knows, so their choices may have a high to be the ones that are most suitable for them. Another reason is that it is
people
's choice to live in their favorable ways and it is
also
 the way
people
 gain life experiences. Experiencing failures, successes, challenges, and similar things only can happen when they choose to take risks or so.
Therefore
, choosing the way themselves is an important part of
people
's lives and experiences. In conclusion,
although
 letting
governments
 choose
people
's paths has many benefits
such
 as suitable jobs and increasing
society
's performance, I prefer allowing
people
 to decide their own life because only they can understand themselves and it is
also
 a way for them to gain social experiences.
Submitted by cathyngo1512 on

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task response
The essay adequately addresses both viewpoints and provides a clear opinion in the conclusion. Make sure to stay focused on the main points and avoid repetition.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a good overall structure and uses cohesive devices effectively. However, consider varying sentence structure for enhanced coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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