IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people feel it is a waste of money to try to save endangered animal species, for example the tiger or the blue whale. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #waste #money #species #tiger #whale
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Many people consider that spending
money
Use synonyms
 on maintaining animal
species
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 existence is
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
 of
money
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,
for
Linking Words
instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
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 the tiger or the blue whale.
While
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 there are some valid points for supporting
this
Linking Words
 view, I am of the opinion that animal
species
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 should be saved.
Firstly
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, nowadays spending
money
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for saving
Change preposition
to save
show examples
 endangered animal
species
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, could be seen as
waste
Add an article
a waste
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 of
money
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. For
the
Correct your spelling
this
show examples
 reason
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
there are more serious problems related
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
humans
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 that need to be solved by investing in them.
Therefore
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,
while
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 some groups of people are worried about
extinction
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the extinction
show examples
 of some animal
species
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 there are more human beings that are struggling to survive living in the lack of food, water and health care.
For example
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, in
Africa
Add a comma
Africa,
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 there are millions of
humans
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 are starving and the level of sickness with danger illnesses is at a high level.
Secondly
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,
whilst
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apply
show examples
spending
money
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 on preventing
extinction
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the extinction
show examples
 of some animal
species
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 could be interpreted as
wasting
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waste
show examples
. I think that
humans
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 are in charge
with
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of
show examples
disappearance
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the disappearance
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 of some animals, and the power of maintaining them in
life
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 is ours.
Additionally
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,
extinction
Correct article usage
the extinction
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 of one animal could have an impact on another in the end affecting
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life
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the life
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 of
humans
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.
For instance
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,
disappearance
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the disappearance
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 of polar bears could save
lives
Correct article usage
the lives
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 of a lot of Antarctic animals
such
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 as penguins and seals
that
Correct pronoun usage
whose
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 main food is fish.
As a consequence
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, people in the countries around the Arctic
circle
Capitalize word
Circle
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 could have small provision of fish.
Similarly
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, maintaining the
life
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 circle could save humanity from different issues.
To conclude
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, I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because, on
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand redirecting
money
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for
Change preposition
to
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 protecting other
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humans
Change noun form
humans'
human's
show examples
 lives by saving them from starving is very important,
on the other hand
Linking Words
 maintaining the
life
Use synonyms
 circle is
also
Linking Words
 crucial for us to live properly.
Submitted by acaitaz on

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task achievement
Make sure to address more of the prompt's aspects and consider a broader discussion about the reasons people might consider it a waste as well as deeper analysis into why it's important.
coherence cohesion
Improve the use of linking words to enhance the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and your position on it, which helps set a clear direction for the essay.
relevant specific examples
You used specific examples, such as the situation in Africa and impacts on polar bears and Antarctic animals, which help illustrate your points effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • endangered species
  • biodiversity
  • intrinsic value
  • existential threat
  • ecosystem
  • conservation
  • economic benefits
  • funding allocation
  • competing needs
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