It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is believed that could be more
essencial
Correct your spelling
essential
for young learners to have knowledge about neighbour
history
than the past of the world.In my opinion, I disagree with
this
statement and I will discuss
in
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it in
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this
essay.
Firstly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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world
history
would help us to discover
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
other
countries
Change noun form
countries'
country's
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cultural
Replace the word
cultures
show examples
.The historic people were the
one
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ones
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started
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who started
show examples
the activities or the worship ritual of each nation and it was
wrotten
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written
down on the rocks,
notes
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and notes
show examples
and
keep
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kept
show examples
to nowadays generations.Those activities
became
Wrong verb form
have become
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the
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apply
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traditional
or
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apply
show examples
festival
Fix the agreement mistake
festivals
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now.
For example
, the tradition of having food by hand of the Indian could be weird
for
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in
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other
countries
but it has various to health by the conception of Indian, they
thought
Wrong verb form
think
show examples
that using
hand
Correct pronoun usage
their hand
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can link their body
with
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to
show examples
food which mean
to
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it
show examples
increase
Wrong verb form
increases
show examples
the mentality of the meal.
Secondly
,learning
antiquity
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the antiquity
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of most
nation
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nations
show examples
would make us
understood
Wrong verb form
understand
show examples
of
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apply
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the relationship
of
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between
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developed
countries
and
special
Correct pronoun usage
their special
show examples
occassion
Correct your spelling
occasion
occasions
of them. The
against of
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apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
2
countries
started from the past of war and
attack
Wrong verb form
attacked
show examples
each other. It
begin
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begins
show examples
from
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with
show examples
the greeding of the presidents or unnormally behavior of residents.
Example
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For example
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, Ukraine and Russia started
war
Add an article
a war
the war
show examples
with
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
show examples
to provoke the respect of
history
in Russia
such
as
destroy
Wrong verb form
destroying
show examples
the statue of Lenin, got
meeting
Replace the word
meetings
show examples
to follow to Europe
countries
. In conclusion, The
important
Replace the word
importance
show examples
of world
history
is not to be
disregard
Wrong verb form
disregarded
show examples
so I disagree to
ommit
Correct your spelling
omit
commit
that and change to local
history
, both of those are
essencial
Correct your spelling
essential
to study for students.
Submitted by anhnguhongmai on

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Task Achievement
Develop a clearer and more coherent structure for your essay. Make sure to address the task prompt directly and provide specific and relevant examples to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the organization of your essay by using cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases. Ensure that your introduction and conclusion clearly outline your main points and provide a sense of closure to your essay.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • heritage
  • cultural identity
  • ancestry
  • traditions
  • globalization
  • empathy
  • contemporary issues
  • integrate
  • perspective
  • civilization
  • diversity
  • innovations
  • historical significance
  • nationalism
  • cosmopolitanism
  • historiography
  • geopolitical
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