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Band 3

It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#schoolchildren #history #world
It is believed that could be more
essencial
Correct your spelling
essential
 for young learners to have knowledge about neighbour
history
 than the past of the world.In my opinion, I disagree with
this
 statement and I will discuss
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
show examples
this
 essay.
Firstly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
world
history
 would help us to discover
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
other
countries
Change noun form
countries'
country's
show examples
cultural
Replace the word
cultures
show examples
.The historic people were the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
started
Correct pronoun usage
who started
show examples
 the activities or the worship ritual of each nation and it was
wrotten
Correct your spelling
written
 down on the rocks,
notes
Correct word choice
and notes
show examples
 and
keep
Wrong verb form
kept
show examples
 to nowadays generations.Those activities
became
Wrong verb form
have become
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
traditional
or
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
festival
Fix the agreement mistake
festivals
show examples
 now.
For example
, the tradition of having food by hand of the Indian could be weird
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 other
countries
 but it has various to health by the conception of Indian, they
thought
Wrong verb form
think
show examples
 that using
hand
Correct pronoun usage
their hand
show examples
 can link their body
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 food which mean
to
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
increase
Wrong verb form
increases
show examples
 the mentality of the meal.
Secondly
,learning
antiquity
Correct article usage
the antiquity
show examples
 of most
nation
Fix the agreement mistake
nations
show examples
 would make us
understood
Wrong verb form
understand
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the relationship
of
Change preposition
between
show examples
 developed
countries
 and
special
Correct pronoun usage
their special
show examples
occassion
Correct your spelling
occasion
occasions
 of them. The
against of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
2
countries
 started from the past of war and
attack
Wrong verb form
attacked
show examples
 each other. It
begin
Change the verb form
begins
show examples
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the greeding of the presidents or unnormally behavior of residents.
Example
Change preposition
For example
show examples
, Ukraine and Russia started
war
Add an article
a war
the war
show examples
 with
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
show examples
 to provoke the respect of
history
 in Russia
such
 as
destroy
Wrong verb form
destroying
show examples
 the statue of Lenin, got
meeting
Replace the word
meetings
show examples
 to follow to Europe
countries
. In conclusion, The
important
Replace the word
importance
show examples
 of world
history
 is not to be
disregard
Wrong verb form
disregarded
show examples
 so I disagree to
ommit
Correct your spelling
omit
commit
 that and change to local
history
, both of those are
essencial
Correct your spelling
essential
 to study for students.
Submitted by anhnguhongmai on

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Task Achievement
Develop a clearer and more coherent structure for your essay. Make sure to address the task prompt directly and provide specific and relevant examples to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the organization of your essay by using cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases. Ensure that your introduction and conclusion clearly outline your main points and provide a sense of closure to your essay.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • heritage
  • cultural identity
  • ancestry
  • traditions
  • globalization
  • empathy
  • contemporary issues
  • integrate
  • perspective
  • civilization
  • diversity
  • innovations
  • historical significance
  • nationalism
  • cosmopolitanism
  • historiography
  • geopolitical
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