IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that It is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some folks claim that
children
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 should be encouraged to do
group
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 games and
activities
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 in their leisure time,
while
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others
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 believe that
children
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 should learn how to enjoy their loneliness and try to occupy themselves on their own. I think it is not only important for them to have the self-occupancy ability but
also
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 they should take part in
group
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activities
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 as much as possible. Some individuals argue
children
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 should be supported to do
group
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activities
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 in their free time. They think
children
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 are able to improve their soft
skills
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 through these kinds of
activities
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.
For instance
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,
children
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 can learn the benefits of communication and helping
others
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 in these games.
However
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, it is important for them to understand that they should not tie their feelings and happiness to the presence of
others
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. On the flip side,
others
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 believe,
children
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 should be able to occupy themselves independently. They mention that
others
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 are not always present for us to join them, so it is a crucial skill for
children
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 to deal with their loneliness from a young age.
For example
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, they may immigrate in the future and they have to live and try to occupy themselves on their own. Needless to say, the consequences of raising
children
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 in
this
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 way would be their depression and lack of communication
skills
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 in the future. I believe we should take the middle of the debate. Indeed,
children
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 should be encouraged to learn how to live and occupy themselves on their own
while
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 they use all their chances to communicate with other
children
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 and join
group
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activities
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 to improve their knowledge and ability for future life.
Moreover
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, with
this
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 strategy
children
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 will be able to gain crucial
skills
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 and enough self-confidence which make them ready to live as adults. In conclusion, I believe both the self-occupancy ability and
also
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 the
skills
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 which can be gained from
group
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activities
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 are crucial for adulthood.

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task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea which is developed with specific examples. While the essay presents both sides of the argument, it lacks detailed examples to fully support the points being made, thus specific and real-world examples should be included to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on logically ordering your ideas and maintaining paragraph unity. Although the essay has a recognizable structure, there is room for improvement in how ideas are sequenced, transitions are used, and how clearly each paragraph's idea is connected to the main topic. The use of cohesive devices and varied sentence structures will also enhance coherence.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • occupied
  • organized
  • group activities
  • benefits
  • social
  • teamwork skills
  • interpersonal skills
  • friendship
  • discipline
  • time management
  • interests
  • hobbies
  • independent play
  • creativity
  • problem-solving skills
  • self-reliance
  • explore
  • discover
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