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Band 5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum to what extinct do you agree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #education #lessons #school #curriculum
The increasing number of obese
people
 is burdening the
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
 system.
According to
 some, the best method to curtail the challenge is to initiate additional sports and exercise classes in school programmes. In my opinion, I partially agree, that physical activities
helps
Change the verb form
help
show examples
people
 lose weight, but I
also
 believe that dieting is
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
importance
Replace the word
important
show examples
.
Overweight
Add a missing verb
Being overweight
show examples
 causes various conditions
such
 as diabetes, high blood pressure, and even stroke in some circumstances. These are not
once off
Add a hyphen
once-off
show examples
 treatment diseases, but the patients become regular and dependent on special chronic medication. A lot of
people
 believe that inactivity is a major contributor to
people
 being overweight;
therefore
,
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 call for more exercise in schools. The belief is that during
exercising
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exercise
show examples
, most of the fat in the body is burnt out.
Therefore
, when individuals keep lean and fit bodies through
exercising
Change the form of the verb
exercise
show examples
, they do not easily fall sick.
As a result
, the
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
 system will be more readily available to attend to critical conditions.
However
,
in addition
 to physical education classes, I think dieting is equally vital. If the right diet is not maintained,
then
 exercising
only
Rephrase
apply
show examples
may be futile as a means to lose weight. Despite a good
exercising
Replace the word
exercise
show examples
 program, continually eating
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
junk food will cause unhealthy issues including obesity.
Hence
, my conviction,
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
 dieting with exercising could prove to be a more better curriculum than doing activities alone. In conclusion, I recommend that schools incorporate proper diets to suit their various
extra curriculum
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
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 physical activities. In doing so,
people
 will become aware of how important as well
is
Correct your spelling
as
show examples
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
 eating to
maintaining
Wrong verb form
maintain
show examples
 fitness.
Submitted by mmarizani on

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Task Response
Ensure that you clearly express whether you fully agree or partially agree with the statement in the prompt.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the use of cohesive devices and transition words to better connect ideas and improve overall coherence.
Lexical Resource
Expand your range of vocabulary and utilize more precise and varied language to express ideas.
Grammatical Range
Work on sentence structure variety and use a wide range of grammatical structures to enhance clarity and coherence in expression.

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