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Writing Samples
Band 5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum to what extinct do you agree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #education #lessons #school #curriculum
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The increasing number of obese
people
Use synonyms
 is burdening the
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
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 system.
According to
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 some, the best method to curtail the challenge is to initiate additional sports and exercise classes in school programmes. In my opinion, I partially agree, that physical activities
helps
Change the verb form
help
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people
Use synonyms
 lose weight, but I
also
Linking Words
 believe that dieting is
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
importance
Replace the word
important
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.
Overweight
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Being overweight
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 causes various conditions
such
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 as diabetes, high blood pressure, and even stroke in some circumstances. These are not
once off
Add a hyphen
once-off
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 treatment diseases, but the patients become regular and dependent on special chronic medication. A lot of
people
Use synonyms
 believe that inactivity is a major contributor to
people
Use synonyms
 being overweight;
therefore
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,
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 call for more exercise in schools. The belief is that during
exercising
Replace the word
exercise
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, most of the fat in the body is burnt out.
Therefore
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, when individuals keep lean and fit bodies through
exercising
Change the form of the verb
exercise
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, they do not easily fall sick.
As a result
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, the
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
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 system will be more readily available to attend to critical conditions.
However
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,
in addition
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 to physical education classes, I think dieting is equally vital. If the right diet is not maintained,
then
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 exercising
only
Rephrase
apply
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may be futile as a means to lose weight. Despite a good
exercising
Replace the word
exercise
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 program, continually eating
of
Change preposition
apply
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junk food will cause unhealthy issues including obesity.
Hence
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, my conviction,
that
Add a missing verb
is that
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 dieting with exercising could prove to be a more better curriculum than doing activities alone. In conclusion, I recommend that schools incorporate proper diets to suit their various
extra curriculum
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
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 physical activities. In doing so,
people
Use synonyms
 will become aware of how important as well
is
Correct your spelling
as
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health
Replace the word
healthy
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 eating to
maintaining
Wrong verb form
maintain
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 fitness.
Submitted by mmarizani on

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Task Response
Ensure that you clearly express whether you fully agree or partially agree with the statement in the prompt.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the use of cohesive devices and transition words to better connect ideas and improve overall coherence.
Lexical Resource
Expand your range of vocabulary and utilize more precise and varied language to express ideas.
Grammatical Range
Work on sentence structure variety and use a wide range of grammatical structures to enhance clarity and coherence in expression.
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