IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Being a celebrity - such as famous film star or sports personality- brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

#celebrity #film #star #sports #personality-
One of the social concerns today relates to
supervision
Correct article usage
the supervision
show examples
 of
parents
 to
children
.
While
 it is widely believed that
parents
 should supervise their
children
’s activities closely, others believe
children
 have more
freedom
. In my opinion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think it depends. On the one hand, it is argued that
parents
 should supervise their
children
’s activities closely.
Firstly
, it helps
parents
 can protect their kids from social’s vices.
For instance
, it’s so dangerous if
children
 contact
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
any
social’vices
Correct your spelling
social vices
 like cigarettes or alcohol…
Secondly
,
parents
 can follow their
children
 to manage and protect them.
For example
, if
parents
 don’t supervise their
children
, there are many dangers from anywhere to them
such
 as a bad relationship…
On the other hand
, it is strongly believed by others that
children
 have more
freedom
. People often have
this
 opinion because there’re so many
children
feel
Correct pronoun usage
who feel
show examples
 uncomfortable if their
parents
 always
supersive
Correct your spelling
supersede
supersize
supportive
 them, it makes them feel
loss
Add an article
the loss
a loss
show examples
 of
freedom
. A second point is that
children
 can’t develop completely, because their
parents’s
Remove the s
parents’
show examples
 supervision makes them afraid
social
Change preposition
of social
show examples
,
don’t
Correct word choice
and don’t
show examples
 want to communicate with strangers. In conclusion, it is commonly thought that
supervision
Correct article usage
the supervision
show examples
off
Change preposition
of
show examples
parents
 is so bad, meanwhile, others assume that
parents
 should do that. Personally,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 tend to believe that sometimes,
parents
 should control their kids to help them keep off bad things.
However
,
parents
also
 should let their
children
 be
freedom
Replace the word
free
show examples
, they can do anything they want, if it isn’t bad.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: