IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The bar chart shows the participation of children in selected leisure activities in Australia.

The bar chart shows the participation of children in selected leisure activities in Australia.
#bar #participation #children #leisure #activities #australia
this
 bar chart illustrates the proportion of
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
show examples
 generation in selected leisure activities in Australia. The
overall
 trend shown
between
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in the data is a steep rise in the
boys
, coupled
declines
Change preposition
with declines
show examples
 in the
girls
According to
 what is shown the participation by 5 to 14 years old
boys
 and
girls
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
increased in watching Tv and videos,
also
Correct word choice
and also
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
reached height
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 100% .
For example
, the number of
boys
 blaming electronic games Mach higher
90
Change preposition
than 90
show examples
%.
In addition
, if we compare
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
boys
 to
art
Correct article usage
the art
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 and craft of the
girls
 of art and craft, we notice that the
girls
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
experience
Wrong verb form
experienced
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 high 60% unlike the
boys
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
slight
Change the word
slightly
show examples
 full in art and craft.
Subsequently
, in the
boys
' bike riding significantly 70 %. It
interesting
Add a missing verb
is interesting
show examples
notice
Fix the infinitive
to notice
show examples
 that the skateboarding and
roller blading
Correct your spelling
rollerblading
show examples
 there was sadden drop in
girls
also
boys
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
slight
Change the adjective
slightly
show examples
 full.
Furthermore
, the
girls
Change to a genitive case
girl's
girls'
show examples
 bike riding go down 60%and electronics games was
drawback
Add an article
a drawback
show examples
.as
will
Correct your spelling
well
show examples
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
boys
 in bikes riding experience decreased In conclusion,
although
boys
 over the period given an increase in yearly income, the yearly income of
girls
 a reduction.
Submitted by shfaaalnaabi on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words boys, girls with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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