IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart shows the participation of children in selected leisure activities in Australia.

The bar chart shows the participation of children in selected leisure activities in Australia.
this
Linking Words
 bar chart illustrates the proportion of
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
show examples
 generation in selected leisure activities in Australia. The
overall
Linking Words
 trend shown
between
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in the data is a steep rise in the
boys
Use synonyms
, coupled
declines
Change preposition
with declines
show examples
 in the
girls
Use synonyms
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown the participation by 5 to 14 years old
boys
Use synonyms
 and
girls
Use synonyms
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
increased in watching Tv and videos,
Linking Words
also
Correct word choice
and also
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
reached height
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 100% .
For example
Linking Words
, the number of
boys
Use synonyms
 blaming electronic games Mach higher
90
Change preposition
than 90
show examples
%.
In addition
Linking Words
, if we compare
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
boys
Use synonyms
 to
art
Correct article usage
the art
show examples
 and craft of the
girls
Use synonyms
 of art and craft, we notice that the
girls
Use synonyms
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
experience
Wrong verb form
experienced
show examples
 high 60% unlike the
boys
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
slight
Change the word
slightly
show examples
 full in art and craft.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, in the
boys
Use synonyms
' bike riding significantly 70 %. It
interesting
Add a missing verb
is interesting
show examples
notice
Fix the infinitive
to notice
show examples
 that the skateboarding and
roller blading
Correct your spelling
rollerblading
show examples
 there was sadden drop in
girls
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
boys
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
slight
Change the adjective
slightly
show examples
 full.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the
Use synonyms
girls
Change to a genitive case
girl's
girls'
show examples
 bike riding go down 60%and electronics games was
drawback
Add an article
a drawback
show examples
.as
will
Correct your spelling
well
show examples
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
boys
Use synonyms
 in bikes riding experience decreased In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
boys
Use synonyms
 over the period given an increase in yearly income, the yearly income of
girls
Use synonyms
 a reduction.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words boys, girls with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: