IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that schools should concentrate on teaching students academic subjets that will be useful for their future careers. Other people say that subjects such as music and sports are also necessary. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #schools #students #subjets #future #careers #subjects #music #sports
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
What young people should study at school has long been the subject of intense debate and
this
 is a question that certainly does not have one correct answer.
While
 I agree with the first half of the statement that schools should focus on academic classes, I do not agree with the second half that music and sports are not necessary. I firmly believe that non-academic
subjects
 are
also
 very important for the holistic development of children. On the one hand, there are many reasons why schools should lay stress on academic classes.
Firstly
, academic
education
 is very important and students must be pushed as hard as possible to achieve their best. It is necessary to expose
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
students to academic
subjects
 so that they can get into university and good jobs later in life.
However
,forcing only academic studies onto them would lead to failure and the student leaving school too early.I feel that a more rounded
education
 would produce a better
individúal
Correct your spelling
individual
.
On the other hand
, there are many advantages of non-academic
subjects
.
To begin
 with, non-academic
subjects
 break the monotony of tough academic studies. Participating in
șports
Correct your spelling
sports
 keeps children physically fit.We all know that a healthy mind resides in a healthy body.
Subjects
such
 as music
also
 have proved to be helpful in improving the IQ of children.
Therefore
, the importance of these
subjects
 cannot be undermined. I believe
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 a mix of academic and non-academic
subjects
 should be there in schools. Young people should be given the best possible chance of doing:well at school. In traditional
curriculum
Add a comma
curriculum,
show examples
 there is a wide variety of
subjects
.There are academic and non-academic
subjects
. In
this
way
Add a comma
way,
show examples
 a young person is formed with a rounded
education
.Non-academic
subjects
 include sports, cooking, and music. I believe.
This
 is the best form of
education
. A young person should learn things other than academic
subjects
.
Tó
Correct your spelling
To
 sum up, I reiterate my opinion by saying that non-academic
subjects
 are as important as academic
subjects
 in
Submitted by muhammadnaim194196 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clearer progression in your logical structure to enhance coherence.
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary to improve the variety of expressions used in your essay.
grammatical range
Use a wider range of complex grammatical structures to demonstrate a more advanced level of language proficiency.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: