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Band 5.5

With the improvements in today's health care, society has to care for more and more elderly people. Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed?

#improvements #health #care #society #people #numbers
With the development of medical care nowadays, older
people
 need to be looked after more and more by the community.
This
 will result in an increase in the number of elderly
people
; some governments will be able to handle
this
,
while
 others will not. In
this
 essay, I will state my ideas and show the way to go through
this
 problem. Older
people
 used to have weaker
health
 than young
people
.
Although
 old
people
 will have more experience than young
people
, they do not have enough well-being to do what they are planning to do.
That is
 why the country's workforce will drop if the number of elderly
people
 shoots up.
On the other hand
, old
people
 have reduced earning ability, which comes with
health
 problems
such
 as high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, etc. Some researchers have found that loneliness can cause depression, anxiety, Alzheimer's disease, etc. in older
people
. We must focus on senior
health
, create a suitable job for their
health
, and encourage them to work together so that they can make friends
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are nearly the same age as them. Some jobs that elderly
people
 can do are teachers, childcare workers, school bus monitors, etc. If their family has enough money to take care of them and they do not want to work, they can join any club that they want. In conclusion, the government will have less pressure on the number of elderly
people
. And elderly
people
also
 need an environment for more social contact to support their
health
.
Submitted by tonykim09 on

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task response
Ensure your essay directly addresses the task prompt by discussing the impact of the increase in the number of elderly people on society and how it can be managed. Use specific examples and address all aspects of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Add a clearer introduction and conclusion that summarize the main points of your essay. Use transition words and cohesive devices to connect ideas and improve the flow of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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