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Band 5

It is universally accepted that eating too much sugar has a negative effects on people’s health. Therefore, some believe that the government should control the amount of sugar people consume. Others think that it is the responsibility of an individual to monitor their sugar intake. Discuss both views and give your opinion.,

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It has been recently proved that the high intake of sweet products could have an adverse impact on the well-being of inhabitants,
subsequently
, high authorities ought to decline the consumption of it among users.
Whereas
, others opine that it is the duty of dwellers to reduce it by themselves. In
this
, essay I would like to shed light on both perspectives
along with
 my viewpoint in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
 with, when high authorities promote less use of sugar, it could have the following benefits.
Initially
, they could incline taxes on its sale,
therefore
, poor or middle-class families would reduce their regular intake.
Besides
, they could spread awareness about the harmful impacts of it on their health.
For instance
, when people came to know about its detrimental impact in detail, they would understand it and stop using it.
On the other hand
, the food dwellers consume
has
Wrong verb form
have
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great control of their minds, in fact, at some point
rulling
Correct your spelling
ruling
 body does not matter.
Firstly
, addictive individuals do not want to consider other's opinions,
while
 making their decisions.
For example
, everyone is aware of the consequences of taking drugs, no matter
the
Correct pronoun usage
what the
show examples
 councils are trying hard to reduce their use,
yet
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they cannot stop them until they decide on it.
Also
, rich people could conveniently purchase the products that they want as the cost of it hardly
affects
Correct pronoun usage
affects them
show examples
. In conclusion, it has been clear that sugary products are dangerous for dwellers, but they are consuming them. So, I assume they need to make a resolution to stop taking it as other's
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 are hardly wary of their decision.
Submitted by lavisharma622 on

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Task Response
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next to improve the overall coherence of the essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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