IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some employers offer their employees subsidized membership of gyms and sports club, believing this will make their staff healthier and thus more effective at work. Other employers see no benefit in doing so.

#employers #offer #employees #membership #gyms #sports #club #staff #work #benefit
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There has been much discussion revolving around the issue of whether employers should give memberships to their
employees
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' gyms or not. Some
people
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 believe that it is a good
way
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 to motivate
people
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 to stay healthy and motivate them in their work,
while
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 others say that spending money on memberships is a waist. In
this
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 essay, I will explain why
people
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 have different opinions on the same topic and present my
way
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 of seeing
this
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 subject.
To begin
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 with, giving
gym
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 memberships to
employees
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 would help them stay healthier. Sport gives energy and motivation to reach personal goals.
This
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way
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 not only person who goes to the
gym
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 stay motivated but it would
also
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 help the company increase their sales and would reach higher financial rewards because their
employees
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 would want to reach their goals.
Secondly
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, sport releases stress.
People
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 experience stress every day in their work life. Releasing the stress leads to more efficient work.
This
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way
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 companies would reach higher levels of output and service.
On the other hand
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, not every person can be motivated by a subsidized
gym
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 membership. Some
people
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 like to jog early in the mornings and stay fit, healthy and motivated
this
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way
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. Other
employees
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 are motivated by money and things they can purchase. It is better to raise an income and give
people
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 the opportunity to buy stuff they actually desire. Having considered both views, I think it is better to give
people
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 the opportunity to buy things that they really need but not put them under the pressure of going to the
gym
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 even if that person has other active hobbies. Everyone should have the ability to choose where they want to spend their wage.
Submitted by oimigle on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance your essay's coherence and cohesion, make sure to organize your ideas more effectively by planning the essay structure before you begin writing. Clear paragraphing with topic sentences can improve the logical flow of the essay. Moreover, use a range of cohesive devices appropriately to link ideas within and across paragraphs.
task achievement
Regarding task achievement, ensure that you address all parts of the prompt with a clear position throughout the essay. Expand on your ideas with more specific and relevant examples to support your points. Additionally, develop your conclusion further to summarize your argument and reiterate your stance clearly.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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