Nowadays, it is possible to move ocean creatures from their natural habitat at sea and have them relocated to marine parks for the purpose of education and entertainment. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Explain your reasons and support them with specific examples.

Lately, relocating sea
creatures
from their natural home to recreational parks for educational and leisure purposes is highly possible.
Although
it greatly improves kids'
knowledge
these days, I believe that destroying aquatic
creatures
' lives outweighs the benefits. One benefit of taking away the
ocean
’s biota from its natural habitat for recreational purposes is that it greatly improves individuals'
knowledge
about
ocean
life.
This
is because it's easier for people to physically see all the
creatures
in the
ocean
without needing to travel far away to the middle of the
ocean
.
As a result
,
this
will improve human
knowledge
about the
ocean
's flora and fauna closely.
For example
,
Ocean
World, a recreational park for sea
creatures
in Indonesia is mostly used as an object for
ocean
fauna behaviour research conducted by zoologies.
However
, I believe that
this
argument is weaker because the negative natural effects are bigger than the benefits. One of the disadvantages is that when aquatic
creatures
are taken away from their habitat, they are more likely to have a shorter lifetime.
That is
to
say
Add a comma
say,
show examples
because the stress levels of those
creatures
are spiking when they are transported to the destination place far away from home.
Furthermore
,
This
high-stress
Correct your spelling
high stress
show examples
level leads to vulnerability to death.
For example
, in Japan there are some groups of recreational park owners who take 50 dolphins from the open
ocean
to their business places,
this
leads to half of the dolphins passing away 3 days prior to arrival.
Thus
, I believe
this
argument is stronger
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
because
this
means people are destroying aquatic life. In conclusion,
although
transporting aquatic life from the
ocean
to recreational parks can boost human
knowledge
about
ocean
biota, I believe that taking away those
creatures
' lives is a major drawback. For these reasons, I believe that the negatives far outweigh the positives
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task response
Ensure all parts of the task are sufficiently and evenly covered. While the essay addresses both sides, it is heavily biased towards one without much balance in the discussion.
task response
Develop the main points more thoroughly, ensuring that each paragraph fully expands on the ideas presented. Strive to present more intricate arguments which fully address the complexities of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Provide clearer topic sentences and ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea which is logically developed.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing techniques to enhance the readability of your text. Try to improve the transitions between ideas to maintain a better flow.

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