IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that spending a lot on holding wedding parties, birthday parties and other celebrations is just a waste of money. Others, however, think that these are necessary for individuals and the society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #parties #birthday #celebrations #waste #money #individuals #society
Nowadays, it is becoming common for
people
 to spend a lot on celebrations
such
 as weddings, and birthdays.
However
, some societies believe it is just a waste of payment,
while
 others argue that it is important for individuals and society. In fact, I side with those who believe that it is necessary to spend a lot on celebrations. On the one hand,
parties
 can be an event that gathers families and friends. In
this
 modern era, society seems to be busier than ever. They more focus on their jobs and achievements.
However
, they do not have much time on exclusive nights
together with
 relatives and friends. By having exclusive
parties
, workers can enjoy their time with
people
 that they love. A big amount of
money
 on celebrations means a lot of
people
 that can be invited.
Moreover
, it will help to build a strong connection in the group.
As a result
, citizens become closer and know their relatives better.
On the other hand
, spending huge
money
 on
parties
 is just a waste. Many citizens do not want to spend their salary on
parties
 because they have another priority. They think that the
money
 can be used for something more useful
such
 as education or vacation.
For instance
, a mother chooses to give their children
money
 for taking courses rather than making a party for their children. By taking courses, youngsters can gain long-term effects rather than only having a night celebration.
Consequently
,
people
 more focus on their long-term goals.
To sum up
,
parties
 can bring the community together and strengthen their bonds.
However
, I am firmly convinced that spending too much
money
 on
parties
 is not a wise choice as
people
 can use it for more useful purposes.
People
 need to limit their budget on
parties
 and save their
money
 for their future.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph supports the main idea and is logically connected to the preceding and following paragraphs.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and details to support the points and make the ideas clearer.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • extravagant
  • frivolous
  • lavish
  • unnecessary
  • excessive
  • consumerism
  • unrealistic
  • social bonds
  • milestones
  • local businesses
  • celebrate
  • memorable
  • nostalgic
  • cherish
  • community
What to do next:
Look at other essays: