IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

the chart below show a result of a survey about what people of different age groups say make them most happy?

the chart below show a result of a survey about what people of different age groups say make them most happy?
#show #survey #people #age #groups
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The pie charts compare a survey for the reason for
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
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according to
Linking Words
 people under and above 30.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 Success at work is the most
motive
Correct word choice
important motive
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 for happiness for both.
Whereas
Linking Words
 appearances are important for
under
Correct article usage
the under
show examples
 30 age
group
Use synonyms
, having financial security is more essential for the above 30
group
Use synonyms
. For folks under their third decade, achievement at work is crucial for joy, with 31% agreeing with that. Doing hobbies and having a good look constitute 40% of the total (22% and 18% respectively).
While
Linking Words
 travelling accounts for 15%, Other factors are
smallest
Correct article usage
the smallest
show examples
 of all, at 14%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, The oldest over 30
Use synonyms
group
Change to a plural noun
groups
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 shared similar
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
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 with their younger counterparts, as job satisfaction is
the
Change the article
apply
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essential for happiness, with 32% agreeing with that matter. Doing hobbies slightly increased in
this
Linking Words
 age
group
Use synonyms
 with 24%. Having wealth is more favoured than good looks for
elderly
Add an article
the elderly
an elderly
show examples
group
Use synonyms
, with
third
Change the article
a third
show examples
 of the survey
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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on
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
 page. Other factors show a little decrease
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 4%.
Submitted by islam_biologist on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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