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Band 6

the chart below show a result of a survey about what people of different age groups say make them most happy?

the chart below show a result of a survey about what people of different age groups say make them most happy?
#show #survey #people #age #groups
The pie charts compare a survey for the reason for
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
according to
 people under and above 30.
It is clear that
 Success at work is the most
motive
Correct word choice
important motive
show examples
 for happiness for both.
Whereas
 appearances are important for
under
Correct article usage
the under
show examples
 30 age
group
, having financial security is more essential for the above 30
group
. For folks under their third decade, achievement at work is crucial for joy, with 31% agreeing with that. Doing hobbies and having a good look constitute 40% of the total (22% and 18% respectively).
While
 travelling accounts for 15%, Other factors are
smallest
Correct article usage
the smallest
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 of all, at 14%.
On the other hand
, The oldest over 30
group
Change to a plural noun
groups
show examples
 shared similar
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 with their younger counterparts, as job satisfaction is
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
essential for happiness, with 32% agreeing with that matter. Doing hobbies slightly increased in
this
 age
group
 with 24%. Having wealth is more favoured than good looks for
elderly
Add an article
the elderly
an elderly
show examples
group
, with
third
Change the article
a third
show examples
 of the survey
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
on
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
 page. Other factors show a little decrease
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 4%.
Submitted by islam_biologist on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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