IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some parents believe that their children should do extra-curricular activities after school. Others say in this way children are under pressure. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#parents #children #activities #school #pressure
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Although
Linking Words
 it is some
people
Use synonyms
 think that
children
Use synonyms
ought
Add the word
ought to
show examples
 do more curricular
activities
Use synonyms
 next school, other
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
children
Use synonyms
 are down
pressures
Fix the agreement mistake
pressure
show examples
. In my opinion, I consider that extra-curricular
activities
Use synonyms
 will improve themselves in their life. On the one hand, many
people
Use synonyms
 consider that
children
Use synonyms
 who do curricular
activities
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will
skill
Wrong verb form
skills
show examples
 development, and I agree.
In other words
Linking Words
, when
children
Use synonyms
 do that will give them skills in their life.
For example
Linking Words
, students usually like to do
activities
Use synonyms
 because they want to forget the teaching, and they earn a lot of skills.
As a result
Linking Words
, the
curricular
Replace the word
curriculum
show examples
 will help them more in developing themselves.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, time management is important in their school to organize their time. When they have a management in the time that will make them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
do like homework or play football with their friends.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is often believed that
children
Use synonyms
 who like
extra- curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
show examples
 that will give them social skills. That
to
Add a missing verb
is to
show examples
 say, when
children
Use synonyms
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 that will trust themselves in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
sometime
Replace the word
sometimes
show examples
 do not have
self confidence
Add a hyphen
self-confidence
show examples
 but when they do curricular
activities
Use synonyms
 that will help them more in improving their self-confidence.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the extra curricular will make them confident in their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
. Another reason why
children
Use synonyms
 like to do
extra-curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
show examples
 is
that
Change the word
their
show examples
 physical and mental health. They want to
doing
Change the verb
do
show examples
 sports and other
activities
Use synonyms
 to improve
them
Change the pronoun
their
show examples
 health and physical.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 may vary in their opinions, I think that
children
Use synonyms
 will better themselves when they
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 more curricular
activities
Use synonyms
Submitted by s_syedy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Ensure all sentences are grammatically correct and avoid awkward phrasing. For example, 'children ought do more curricular activities' should be 'children ought to do more extra-curricular activities.'
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. For instance, name particular extra-curricular activities and explain how they help in skill development and social skills.
task achievement
You have adequately discussed both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of different perspectives.
coherence and cohesion
The essay structure is clear with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: