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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Although families have powerful influence on children, the influence that comes from outside the family plays a bigger part in children’s development. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the present day, some people believe that family members have a powerful impact on their offspring.
However
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, other folks think that several
sways
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factors
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 have a strong effect on
children
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's
development
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 from outside their family society. In my opinion, I partially agree with the given statement
and
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, and
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 I will elaborate on it in
this
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 essay. On the one hand, plenty of heirs grow up in their own homes and they see their
parents
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 and siblings, who can learn social skills and how to communicate with each other.
Moreover
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, if
parents
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 want their
children
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 to study better, they must set an example so
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children
Correct word choice
that children
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 can learn how to study better.
For example
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, some guardians aggressively act toward
children
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 that kids affect their
parents
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, and
as a result
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, when they grow up high likelihood of being a criminal.
Furthermore
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, if their father or mother is an alcoholic, they do not care about their
scion
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children
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 and the kids lose an opportunity to learn about family love.
On the other hand
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, youngsters always go to
school
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 and
meet
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make
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 many friends in their
life
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lives
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.
numerous
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Numerous
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children
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 spend time in
school
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 and play with their mates
which
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, which
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 leads to
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development
Correct article usage
the development
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their
Change preposition
of their
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 social skills.
Moreover
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, in
school
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, there are a lot of subjects
so
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, so
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 juveniles can do many different things that lead to finding opportunities.
For instance
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,
In
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in
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 South Korea, a boy who goes to
school
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 and
participate
Correct subject-verb agreement
participates
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 in music class and
love
Correct subject-verb agreement
loves
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instrument
Fix the agreement mistake
instruments
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, especially violins. So, the music teacher finds out about his talent and tells the boy's
parents
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, they
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they
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 decide to send him to music
school
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.
Therefore
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,
children
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's
development
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not
Verb problem
is not
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 only
just
Rephrase
apply
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from their family but
also
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 from outside. In conclusion, I partially agree with
this
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 statement
and
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, and
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 there are many methods influenced by families and the
outsides
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outside
show examples
.
Conversely
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, pros and cons
also
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 exist.
Hence
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, we should teach kids to right way and that will be a good thing for their future
development
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.

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task achievement
Make sure your ideas are clear and well-developed. Try to give more detailed examples to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words to connect your ideas better and make the essay flow smoothly. This will help the reader follow your argument.
task achievement
You presented a clear opinion on the topic and gave reasons for your view.
task achievement
You included examples to support your ideas, which is very important in IELTS essays.
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