IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Q. In some parts of the world traditional festivals and celebrations have disappeared or are disappearing. What problems is this causing? What measures could be taken to counter this situation?

Although
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people
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 have celebrated traditional
festivals
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 for a long time, some traditional
festivals
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 and
celebrations
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 in several regions in the world have started to disappear in the present
due to
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 underlying reasons which should be looked into with effective strategy to bring back these
celebrations
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 to the community.
To begin
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 with, the development of technology and science has changed
people
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's beliefs, which reduced the practices of the
festivals
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, especially ones that related to supernature and spirits which most
people
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 might perceive as irrational in the present. 
Furthermore
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, most
celebrations
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 will disappear
due to
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 the fact that the younger generations are not interested in
festivals
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 compared to the older individuals.
As a result
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, the changes in
people
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's mindsets and the lack of interest in the
celebrations
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 of juveniles might cause the disappearance of
festivals
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 and
celebrations
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 forever. To reverse the trend, the problem should be tackled by promoting the
festivals
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 and
celebrations
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 that should remain in society through social media platforms
such
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 as Facebook and YouTube.
For example
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, the
festivals
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 can be promoted as opportunities for
people
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 to relax and spend time with their loved ones.
Moreover
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, it can be supported as the highlight event of the country in order to attract both local
people
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 and tourists which will directly increase the number of
people
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 engaging in the celebration.
Hence
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, the promotion of
festivals
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 as special events through online platforms will raise
people
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's awareness and engagement to continue celebrating in the future.
To conclude
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, the transformation in beliefs and interests of the population these days has led to the disappearance of fairs and ceremonies.
However
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, using media especially online-based as a tool to promote the festival will help attract more
people
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 which will help cultivate the practices and beauty in the
festivals
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 that should not be forgotten in the future.

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task achievement
Consider providing more explicit examples or statistics to support your points. This can help strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices to connect your ideas more smoothly. This can enhance the flow of your essay and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly focuses on a single main idea, and that the idea is sufficiently developed. This will improve the overall clarity of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in organizing your thoughts effectively.
task achievement
You have effectively identified the main problems leading to the disappearance of traditional festivals and proposed relevant solutions, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
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