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The graph below shows the types of transport used by tourists who visited New Zealand from five countries in 2004. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the types of transport used by tourists who visited New Zealand from five countries in 2004. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
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The graph illustrates the mediums of transportation (
Air
Use synonyms
,
Coach
Use synonyms
,Car and Ferry) used by foreigners from five different countries (
British
Use synonyms
,
German
Use synonyms
,
Japanese
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,
Korean
Use synonyms
 and
Australian
Use synonyms
) for visiting New Zealand in the year 2004 percentage-wise.
Overall
Linking Words
, the majority of countries (
British
Use synonyms
,
German
Use synonyms
,
Korean
Use synonyms
 and
Australian
Use synonyms
) loved to
travel
Use synonyms
 by car
instead
Linking Words
 of other mediums of
transport
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
Japanese
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 enjoyed travelling via
air
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, the least number of guests had their own choice of mode of
transport
Use synonyms
 according, to their comfort.
Likewise
Linking Words
, foreigners of
British
Use synonyms
 are not familiar with the
transport
Use synonyms
 medium of
coach
Use synonyms
whereas
Linking Words
Japanese
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 are not familiar with
Coach
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the
British
Use synonyms
,
German
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,
Korean
Use synonyms
 and
Australian
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 loved to
travel
Use synonyms
 by car in Newzeland which is 60%,52%,50% and 48% respectively.
In addition
Linking Words
,
air
Use synonyms
 medium of
transport
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 plays an important role in Britain,Germany, Japan and Korea which is 46%,35%,55% and 30% respectively.Where lowest percentage of
Australian
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
travel
Use synonyms
 by
air
Use synonyms
 is about 10%.
Finally
Linking Words
, there is an average number of tourists who
travel
Use synonyms
 by
coach
Use synonyms
 and ferry to New Zealand.It is one of the least used modes of
transport
Use synonyms
 by visitors.In almost all five countries (
British
Use synonyms
,
German
Use synonyms
,
Japanese
Use synonyms
,
Korean
Use synonyms
 and
Australian
Use synonyms
) percentage rate for coaches is 19%,20%,51%40% and 8% respectively.
While
Linking Words
 percentage of ferry users visitors is slightly high in comparison to
coach
Use synonyms
 users which is about 35%,58%,10%,10% and 15% respectively.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words air, coach, british, german, japanese, korean, australian, travel, transport, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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