IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays , a lot of people enjoy watching sports on Tv . Do you think the advantages of watching sports on Tv outweigh the disadvantages

At present, it can be noted that
people
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 have become interested in watching
sports
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 on
TV
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. In my opinion, I believe that watching
sports
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 on
TV
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 can bring about more issues for societies compared to any advantages it might bring. Admittedly, there are some basic positive aspects of watching
sports
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 on
TV
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.
To begin
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 with, watching
sports
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 on
TV
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 can allow
people
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 to enjoy those
sports
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 events in their comfort zone.
In other words
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,they are not required to commute to the stadium
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instead
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; instead
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, they can simply enjoy watching those
sports
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 with their surroundings
which
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, which
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 might save a substantial amount of money.
Besides
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 that, numerous
aggression
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aggressive
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 activities and violence could be avoided by viewing
sports
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 on
TV
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 since stadiums are considered one of the places that have high riot rates.
For example
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, when one of the competitors loses the match , that will absolutely inflict an atmosphere of anger among their fans
which
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, which
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 eventually leads to fights, so
people
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 can avoid those dangerous activities by watching
sports
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 on screen.
Nonetheless
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 ,despite all of the perks above , watching
sports
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 events on screen is likely to bring major drawbacks for
people
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. One conspicuous negative point is that
,
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apply
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 viewing
sports
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 on
TV
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 can be a trigger for some detrimental diseases,namely,eye strain
as well as
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 back pain
on
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, on
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 the grounds that the blue light which is emitted from
TV
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 is incredibly devastating for the eyes , and can lead to poor visibility gradually.
Moreover
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,
people
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 are likely to consume snacks
while
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 watching
TV
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which
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, which
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 is the key to obesity. Other than that, societies that exaggerate watching
sports
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 on screen have a high probability of lacking some critical communication skills.
People
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 who remain at home watching
sports
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,
for instance
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, do not interact or socialise with others
which
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, which
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 will decidedly lead them to have poor negotiation skills. In conclusion, the odds of having various diseases
,
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apply
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 and lacking communication skills far exceed any minor benefits that could result from watching
TV
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.

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grammar
Break long ideas into small, simple sentences. This helps the reader follow your point.
structure
Make clear how each idea supports your view. Start with your opinion, then give a reason, then give evidence.
content
Give real and clear examples for each point. Do not only say 'it is bad' but show why.
grammar
Check grammar and spelling. Use full stops and spaces after commas.
coherence
Use linking words to link ideas, such as 'also', 'but', 'however', 'for example'.
content
The essay has a clear view that uses both sides of the argument.
structure
There is a start and a finish. The writer shows a plan for the essay.
lexical
Some good phrases link ideas, like 'nonetheless' and 'in other words'.
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