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Band 6

Just like the government spends funds on music and theatre, it does the same on arts too which is considered a waste of money. Don’t you think that the government should spend more on revamping public services? Do you agree? If not, then why?

#government #funds #music #theatre #arts #waste #money #don’t #services
Nowadays the great majority of people
thing
Correct your spelling
think
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 that governments should invest in music and theatre,
while
 others tend to believe that
art
 is not really useful as it
considered
Add a missing verb
is considered
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 a waste of money and it would be better to spend funds on public services renovation.  
Although
 the
last
 opinion can be right in some cases, I support the idea that
the
Correct article usage
a
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 society without
art
 will lose
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
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 national identity.
Lets
Replace the word
Let's
Let us
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 start by looking at the advantages of
art
 development. In some cases, it really raises the prestige of the country and increases the income of the population and the state
at
Change preposition
apply
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all
Correct determiner usage
apply
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. Looking at the example of France, which is regarded as one of the most cultural countries, it is obvious that
the
Correct article usage
a
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 great amount of tourists come there in order to visit
art
 places. Governments
has
Change the verb form
have
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 decided to make cultural facilities their calling card. So,
this
 action generates a lot of income for the treasury. Not only that, but
also
 our society depends on knowledge. Children
as well as
 adults have a chance to be well-rounded, to know the history of their country,
to
Correct word choice
and to
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 see and observe
the
Change the word
its
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 origins.
For instance
, England
presents
Verb problem
allows
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 students to visit many museums and theatres for free, especially in London, in order for them to develop.
Consequently
,
Correct article usage
the english
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english
Change the capitalization
English
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 nation preserves its traditions, keeps historical places and appreciates them. Taking everything into consideration, I would say that it is better for national leaders
foster
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to foster
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art
, so as to keep the uniqueness of music, theatres and other cultural objects.
Submitted by aida.ai2000 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

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    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
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    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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