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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spent hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this a positive or negative trend?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #trend
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Number
Change the article
A number
The number
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 of children are more inclined to stay with mobile phones for
long
Correct article usage
a long
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.
This
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 essay will elaborate profoundly
that
Change preposition
on
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hoe
Correct your spelling
how
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 entertaining facilities
as well as
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 attractive visuals exaggerate
this
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 situation, which
bring
Verb problem
has
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negative
Correct article usage
a negative
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 impact
to
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on
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 the new generation and society. To commence with, juveniles being engaged for long durations with phones
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 a trend
in
Change preposition
apply
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these days.
Although
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 there are numerous reasons two of them are crucial.
First,
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to entertain. Namely, to kill their leisure time use
this
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 gadget to play
vedio
Correct your spelling
video
 games and
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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watch movies.
Secondly
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, mesmerized visuals are
also
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 immensely affected
to
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by
show examples
this
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 outcome as well. To
illustrates
Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrate
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this
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, even
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of babies
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also
Add a missing verb
are also
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 willing to pay
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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attention
for
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in
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long
Add an article
the long
a long
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 run as
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 videos are
eye catching
Add a hyphen
eye-catching
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 for them,
which
Correct word choice
and
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 most parents are
also
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 addicted to
leave
Wrong verb form
leaving
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 their mobiles with children,
due to
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 admire their freedom.
Hence
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,
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this
Change the determiner
these
show examples
 two factors are highly influenced
to
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by
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this
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 phenomenon. Even though
this
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 concept is
comprising
Wrong verb form
comprised
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with
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of
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 several benefits to both guardians and teens, there are
few
Correct article usage
a few
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 drawbacks as well. If
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
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 generation had
use
Replace the word
used
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 smartphones for
extended
Add an article
an extended
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 period would have ben affected
to
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apply
show examples
their
eye sight
Correct your spelling
eyesight
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.
Moreover
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, spending almost every day with
this
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 device is high possibility
to
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of
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being
Verb problem
becoming
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 addicted and
abandoned
Wrong verb form
abandoning
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 their education, which
is influenced
Wrong verb form
influences
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to
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apply
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their future.
However
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,
whether
Correct word choice
apply
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there are some pros and cons
along with
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utilization
Add an article
the utilization
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 of
such
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 innovation, might cause
permenent
Correct your spelling
permanent
 adverse
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
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 to the new generation.
As a result
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,
this
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 might be
negative
Add an article
a negative
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 development.
To conclude
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,
according to
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 the above clarifications, purposes for
entertain
Replace the word
entertainment
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 and
as
Rephrase
apply
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interested
Replace the word
interest
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 in
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
 videos trigger to use
more
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of more
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 mobiles by youngsters, which brings tremendous impact,
such
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 as
deteriorate
Wrong verb form
deteriorating
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 eye sight and education.
Therefore
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,
this
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 would be
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 outcome.
Submitted by adpremadasa82 on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • digital devices
  • smartphone addiction
  • online interactions
  • developmental impact
  • physical health
  • mental well-being
  • academic performance
  • parental supervision
  • proliferation of apps
  • engaging content
  • excessive use
  • sedentary lifestyle
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