IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some children spent hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this a positive or negative trend?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #trend
Number
Change the article
A number
The number
show examples
 of children are more inclined to stay with mobile phones for
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
.
This
 essay will elaborate profoundly
that
Change preposition
on
show examples
hoe
Correct your spelling
how
show examples
 entertaining facilities
as well as
 attractive visuals exaggerate
this
 situation, which
bring
Verb problem
has
show examples
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the new generation and society. To commence with, juveniles being engaged for long durations with phones
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 a trend
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days.
Although
 there are numerous reasons two of them are crucial.
First,
to entertain. Namely, to kill their leisure time use
this
 gadget to play
vedio
Correct your spelling
video
 games and
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
watch movies.
Secondly
, mesmerized visuals are
also
 immensely affected
to
Change preposition
by
show examples
this
 outcome as well. To
illustrates
Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrate
show examples
this
, even
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of babies
also
Add a missing verb
are also
show examples
 willing to pay
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
attention
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
long
Add an article
the long
a long
show examples
 run as
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 videos are
eye catching
Add a hyphen
eye-catching
show examples
 for them,
which
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 most parents are
also
 addicted to
leave
Wrong verb form
leaving
show examples
 their mobiles with children,
due to
 admire their freedom.
Hence
,
this
Change the determiner
these
show examples
 two factors are highly influenced
to
Change preposition
by
show examples
this
 phenomenon. Even though
this
 concept is
comprising
Wrong verb form
comprised
show examples
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 several benefits to both guardians and teens, there are
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 drawbacks as well. If
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
show examples
 generation had
use
Replace the word
used
show examples
 smartphones for
extended
Add an article
an extended
show examples
 period would have ben affected
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
eye sight
Correct your spelling
eyesight
show examples
.
Moreover
, spending almost every day with
this
 device is high possibility
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
being
Verb problem
becoming
show examples
 addicted and
abandoned
Wrong verb form
abandoning
show examples
 their education, which
is influenced
Wrong verb form
influences
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their future.
However
,
whether
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
there are some pros and cons
along with
utilization
Add an article
the utilization
show examples
 of
such
 innovation, might cause
permenent
Correct your spelling
permanent
 adverse
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 to the new generation.
As a result
,
this
 might be
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 development.
To conclude
,
according to
 the above clarifications, purposes for
entertain
Replace the word
entertainment
show examples
 and
as
Rephrase
apply
show examples
interested
Replace the word
interest
show examples
 in
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
 videos trigger to use
more
Change preposition
of more
show examples
 mobiles by youngsters, which brings tremendous impact,
such
 as
deteriorate
Wrong verb form
deteriorating
show examples
 eye sight and education.
Therefore
,
this
 would be
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 outcome.
Submitted by adpremadasa82 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: