IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Today, many people use the internet and smartphones to transfer money to friends, family, and businesses. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #internet #smartphones #transfer #money #friends #businesses #development
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Recent technological advancements have made things more accessible for everyone on the planet, the physical copy of
money
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 has gradually been replaced by
internet
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 applications and mobile banking.
This
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 opens the door to transferring
money
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 through the
internet
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 with the help of smartphones, and
while
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this
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 may be easier to do than other alternatives, safety concerns have been brought up by many. Drawbacks from
this
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 new method do exist,
however
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, they can easily be overcome with ample development and a cautious attitude.
To begin
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 with, the use of smartphones for transactions means that wallets are no longer a priority. Mobile banking is easier to use with records of their own.
This
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 allows anyone to manage their finances a lot more easily and effectively without having to take notes of every transaction they do and without having to worry about forgetting their wallet at home.
This
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 convenience is even more crucial for those with smaller businesses as transactions can be done quickly with less transaction costs.
On the other hand
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, many concerns have been raised about the safety and security of mobile banking. When cybercrimes
such
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 as hacking and identity theft happen more with the development of technology, there is no reason to believe that anyone with
internet
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 access can be safe from these dangers. If passwords and account information can be stolen by someone from the other side of the world,
then
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 mobile banking information and in turn the
money
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 connected to it can be taken out of their hands as well.
To conclude
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, transferring
money
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 through the
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internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
 is a more accessible way of doing transactions for businesses and individuals alike.
Submitted by kelly on

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task achievement
While the essay presents clear ideas, more specific examples and evidence could strengthen the argument. For example, mentioning specific mobile banking apps or recent incidents of cybercrime can provide a more comprehensive perspective.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing transitions between paragraphs to improve the flow of ideas. Using cohesive devices such as 'furthermore', 'moreover', or 'consequently' can enhance the logical structure of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, providing a clear thesis statement and summarizing the main points discussed.
task achievement
You have presented a balanced view by discussing both the advantages and drawbacks of mobile banking, which shows a thorough understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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